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April 01, 2008
Horoscopes for 2008
Aries: (March 21 - April 19)
Friends and co-workers may be critical of you today, and for good reason too. After that 'thing' you said about that 'person' last week when you were at 'that place', you should be grateful they don't actually kill you. They want to, but you're not worth it.
Taurus: (April 20 - May 20)
The Ford Taurus was exceedingly average and there's a reason they named it what they did. You, like most Taurus' are mind numbingly boring. Average to an absurd level. Full of ambition, sort of. Your glass isn't half full or half empty, it's just the way it is. For a Taurus, 'good enough' is 'just right'.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20)
You are still feeling the effects of the last full moon. Moonshine bottle that is. Why do they make it so strong? Why do you drink so much? Why do you love the sound of your own voice so much when you tell the police officers what you think of their mothers? Why is that large ugly man in the prison overalls looking at you and licking his lips? Think man think!!!!
Cancer: (June 21 - July 22)
It's great to have days like this!! Everything seems to be working better than ever. Positive influences are strong right now and you seem to be meeting all the right people. Relationships with loved ones improve and you should expect the boss to take notice of your hard work. Why? Because you read it here on a sheet of paper in a bar so it's gotta be true.
Leo: (July 23 - Aug 22)
Your moon is in the seventh house and the positive energies of the rising Virgo sign of the retrograde influences of Rafiki and the Lion King give rise to the separation of church and jungle and then the tin soldiers will march and maybe you should avoid mixing all those pills next time.
Virgo: (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
The winds of change will blow your way soon. Spare change that is. You're about to lose your job, your spouse and the lawsuit you don't know about yet. You will end up selling your blood for booze money, begging on a street corner and sleeping in a box. But summer is coming soon, so you'll be okay.
Libra: (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You may be having feelings of self doubt today. That's probably for the best considering the way you are. Think about some of your recent decisions. How smart were they, really? You walk by the mirror, but do you really look? You should. Personal trimmers can help.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Half of your friends hope you get a disease and die. The other half agree. Man it's not easy being you some days. Some people just don't understand do they? Them and their crazy ideas about 'right and wrong' and following the rules and having showers every day...with soap!! It's just madness.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You went "All In" for the game of life and drew two pairs to an inside straight. So now you have to decide on the house or the kids. You only have one house, but you have five kids. Do you really need them all? There's a medical school in Nigeria that would love to help with the mortgage.
Capricorn: (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Have you ever noticed how no matter how hard you work, somebody else always seems to have more than you? A better watch. A bigger car. A prettier girlfriend or better looking boyfriend, or both. Maybe you should just give up. Or maybe you should get that chainsaw and teach them all a lesson. You decide. Oh damn! He has a better chainsaw than you too.
Aquarius: (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
The age of Aquarius came...and went. And what are you left with? Bills, illegitimate children and a barely tolerable drug habit. But don't worry, things are looking up for you. There's a free needle exchange opening up down the block.
Pisces: (Feb 19 - March 20)
How does the saying go? "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll dine forever." Too bad it doesn't work that way with beer. Fat, drunk and passed out in a pool of vomit is a good look for some people though, and strangely enough, most of them are Pisceans. Rock on dudes!!
If your birthday is April 1st:
You share your birthday with Otto von Bismark, Chancellor of Germany, and like Bismark, you have cellulite, ingrown hairs and look best in a pointed helmet. You also share your birthday with: Gavriil Musicescu, a composer who wrote stuff you have never, ever heard; Fredrik Cygnaeus, Finnish poet and literature critic who no doubt died of alcohol poisoning; Joseph de Maistre, French Diplomat who had some very disturbing notions about pain and love; and a whole mass of other people who, when all is said and done, didn't amount to anything. You won't either.
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at April 1, 2008 01:50 PM
Comments
hola
I can't agree with what you wrote really....
please explain in detail a bit more for me :d
thank you
Posted by: zodiaclove at October 2, 2008 08:54 AM
Well, see, it's like this: Sometimes a man and a woman love each other very much and in a very special way that makes babies. Each child is one day born and their entire life is affected by the mysterious power of the star's alignment at that particular moment in time and space. And if you or anybody else actually believes that load of tripe then I would like to offer you an opportunity to buy swamp land in... I mean, prime resort property worth millions but will be offered to you for a fraction of it's real value. Cash only no cheques or promissory notes accepted.
OK look.... its called having fun. If you take it seriously, have a drink and stop. Trust me, it's just better that way.
~ AP
Posted by: AP at October 4, 2008 11:06 AM
hi
I don't agree with what you wrote really....
please ellaberate a bit more for me :D
thank you
Posted by: zodiaclove at October 9, 2008 09:21 AM
Ok. Ya got me. I must admit the truth. I... yes I am actually in tune with the cosmos. I came to your planet a number of years back, I can't explain exactly as 'our' math is not the same as yours. My species utilizes a form of reversed algorithmic absolutes based upon prime number progression which allows us to see into the future as easily as we travel through time. Sooo..... in short, if I write it, it has to be true.
And remember, even though it may seem like fun at the time, playing with dead puppies (and I know you know what I mean) is never a good thing and always leads to problems with others.
~ AP
Posted by: AP at October 17, 2008 06:36 AM