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May 15, 2007
Jerry Falwell Dead at 73
Evangelist Jerry Falwell died today at the age of 73.
So what……
He is best known for founding the “Moral Majority” which was neither.
~AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 11:08 AM | Comments (0)
May 11, 2007
Death By Tiger
100 Mile House, BC (AP) – This just in from British Columbia’s northern interior:
Breaking News first from CKNW News Talk 980
{CKNW Sent 12:02 p.m.}
A 32-year old woman has been mauled to death by a pet tiger near 100-Mile House.
The regional coroner say the attack occurred in the Bridge Lake area near highway 20 yesterday afternoon.
CKNW NEWS TALK 980 - BC's NEWS LEADER - LISTEN TO CKNW LIVE NOW
I know… You’re probably saying to yourself, “A tiger? Not a grizzly bear? Not a wolverine? Not a pack of roaming, hungry, winter starved wolves? Not an angry postal worker?” (I know that last one didn’t fit as well, but you can’t deny the statistical probability) The problem is you’re focusing on the tiger rather than the moron. The DEAD moron. This is Darwinism at its finest. And if there is a bright sport here it is that this person has been removed from the gene pool and won’t be able to make it any shallower by breeding in the future.
C’mon folks…..a ‘pet tiger’? Really. What do you figure the chances are that she wouldn’t have been killed by the beast? Slim to fuckin’ none is my call. What did she expect when ‘Kitty’ had a bad day. A little grumbling around the litter box? Maybe tip over the dish of kitty kibbles as a way of saying, “Leave me alone today, I have a toothache?” I doubt it. And who’s to say that’s what is was. Maybe the damn tiger just caught a notion to see what would happen if it played a little ‘hacky-sack’ with her head and voila, ‘Hey! That tastes pretty good!’
Look, all I’m saying is that if you don’t want to end up as a menu item on your pet’s monthly meal planner, follow my simple rule:
Never have a pet you can’t kill with your fists, a hammer or a broom stick.
That allows for all manner of cats, dogs, fish, turtles, birds and rodents. But just because ‘HAM-ster’ seems to sound a little like ‘HAM-mer’, that is no reason to drink a case of beer and satisfy your curiosity when you ask yourself the question: “Hmmm…..I wonder what sort of noise Hammy would make if I picked up this hammer and…..” Folks, just don’t go there. Don’t ever go there. The scars run deep and ragged…..or so I’m told.
But let’s just say you have a big old hammer in one hand and a big old broom stick in another and you’ve got your game face on. And not just on, but REALLY on and you can feel the mojo working overtime. Even then I don’t think you’d stand much of a chance when Tigger decides to rip your game face right freaking off and go for a walk in the woods outside the cage.
Get it? A ‘Tiger’ going for a walk in the ‘Woods’? Tiger…..woods? Ahhhh….never mind.
Anyway, its too bad that the woman died and all, but really, a tiger? She was doomed from the start. Never had a chance. I’m sure that if it wasn’t the Tiger she would have found some other stupid way to die. Me, I’m sticking with my goldfish and my broomstick. They’re both cheap and if there’s no hockey on the TV, well, you never have to be bored on a Saturday night.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:50 PM | Comments (0)
May 09, 2007
Pearls of Wisdom – Pearl #1
“Herpes should never be a scratch and sniff experience”
I’m not sure where that one came from, but it sure sounds right to me. And if by you reading this it somehow prevents you from ‘living the lesson’ then I will have accomplished a good thing indeed.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:11 PM | Comments (0)