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February 07, 2007
Astro…NOT
Moonbase, Alpha (AP) - “Bam!” Just like that another childhood belief down the drain.
This is worse than Santa or the Easter Bunny. The tooth fairy I can live with. That one always weirded me out a little. You must have felt it too. You must have. That creepy feeling in the morning when you reached under your pillow and found a shiny quarter and wondered, “How long did that fairy stand there staring at me and just what was the fairy doing all that time? God, I hope I didn’t fart.” Gave me the shivers.
And just what am I talking about? The long held belief that astronauts were supposed to be smart, well balanced people. Of course now, with the mental meltdown of Captain Lisa Marie Nowak, a married mother of three, anything is possible for anybody. I feel like I may just achieve my lifelong dream of opening up the first 7-11 on the moon after all.
“Would you like a new phone card with your ‘Moonberry’ slurpee? Great rates to Europe and Mars? No wait, don’t take off the lid in here!! Damn I hate that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that shit off the ceiling? Get out! Get out!!”
There are numerous news services that will give you the details of this story far better than me. Instead, I will deal with the important stuff…..the big picture.
In a nutshell we have this Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a fellow astronaut (we’ll just refer to him as Commander Studmuffin) who is obviously one of those guys who isn’t happy flying just one spaceship if you know what I mean.
And we have an Air Force hottie, Captain Colleen Shipman who makes up the third side of this torrid triangle of astrolust.
So Captain Lisa Marie Nowak dons a diaper (we’ll call her Captain Poopypants) and drives straight through from Houston to Orlando to try and kill Captain Hottie so she can have Commander Studmuffin all to herself.
Now this is where it gets odd……
Unbeknownst to Captain Hottie, Captain Poopypants has arrived with pepper spray, a steel mallet, a knife and some garbage bags. Since it is unlikely that Captain Poopypants merely wants to help Captain Hottie dispose of all the wrappers from the carry on snacks you need to take on a commercial airliner these days, I think it is fair to assume that Captain Poopypants was going to do some slicing and dicing of Captain Hottie. Of course all of this is happening unbeknownst to Commander Studmuffin who is sitting at a desk somewhere wondering which spaceship he’s going to fly next. Naturally, like you, I’m wondering if there’s a little home video or seven where you clearly hear;
“Get ready baby. Oh yeah…five….four…three….two…oh…two….one…Blastoff!!”
Getting back to the flight plan here…
And this is where you realize that all those years of training were wasted and that nobody would ever want to fly with Captain Poopypants again. Why? Simple, and I don’t know why the other news services haven’t pointed it out.
When Captain Poopypants tried to get at Captain Hottie, she tried to open the door, which is normally referred to as the ‘outer hatch’ of the vehicle. She tried to force her way in.
It’s that simple.
Everybody knows that when one astronaut wants to kill another astronaut, you shove the other astronaut into the airlock and then open the outer hatch of the vehicle which forces the other astronaut out into the vacuum of space where they freeze or explode or something gross like that. THAT is how astronauts kill each other. NOT with knives and mallets. Like, DUH!! Her plan was doomed from the start. Talk about dumb and unbalanced. That...that was what shattered the myth.
So now we will have to wait while Commander Studmuffin and Captain Hottie finish the story by having hot gravity defying space sex (another lifelong dream that I’m not allowed to discuss here for reasons too numerous and graphic to list) and raising cute space kids with cute names like Brad and Tammy-Sue.
In the meantime, Captain Poopypants is back home on bail, wandering around her house mumbling “Houston…we have a problem,” over and over again. Since I doubt anybody will EVER want her in charge of securing the outer hatch of the vehicle again, she has become the nations first female Astro-Not. Too bad too, she looked kind of good in that orange spacesuit. Maybe they’ll let her wear it again when she gets out jail and shows up on Oprah.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at February 7, 2007 10:42 AM