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December 25, 2006
“I Feel Dead”
I feel dead (na na na na na na na)
That’s because I am now (na na na na na na na)
I feeeeeeel dead (na na na na na na na)
That’s because I am now (na na na na na na na)
I’m dead. So dead. I no longer got you.
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
James Brown
1933 = December 25, 2006
Merry Christmas God. Heaven gonna be rockin’ tonight.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 03:40 PM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2006
Just A Little Lie
And now, something from the archives in the spirit of the season....
JUST A LITTLE LIE
by
A.G. Nostyk
Copyright ©
Mary was pissed off. It was a stifling hot day in Jerusalem. It seemed everybody and his goat was in town thanks to Herod and yet another one of his counting things. "What was it this time?" she thought. First it was cattle, then it was goats and chickens and then migrant Phoenician olive pickers. But word was he was actually looking for a new King. Why would he do that? Wasn't he already King? "Herod should get a grip," she said to herself, and then chuckled at the joke. It didn't make any sense to Mary. All she knew was that the town was full of people, and they were stirring up enough dust to choke a horse. To make things worse, there was no wind for relief inside the walls. Why, she could hardly see where she was going. Her open sandals were getting a real work out today and she swore if she stepped in another pile of camel shit she would just
scream.
Mary had a lot on her mind. Her troubles were many. For one thing, she had been looking all morning through the bazaar for 'Honest' Abraham Keevis, "The good for nothing Philistine," she thought, only to find out he had left on the last camel out of town two days ago. Just four days ago he had sold her a new 'Miracle Lamp' which was supposed to burn water. "Fill it with oil just the one time, and then add a little water each day. Eventually the oil and water become as one to the lamp and it will burn only water from then on." Those were the instructions she had been given. It worked great for three days. Then the oil burned off, the light went out, and Mary realized she had been tricked again. She didn't like getting tricked, but it seemed to be the story of her life these days.
After finding out about 'Honest' Abe, she had put her mind towards finding material for a wedding dress. It seemed like she would need one a little sooner than expected. So then what happens, she finds out that the soldiers manning the Roman garrison have left town and the new ones are already in. Naturally, the departing ones all rushed down to the bazaar and bought the place out of all the good linens to take back to Rome. But it wasn't just the linens. It was the shoes, the blankets, the genuine replicas of Moses' staff and all the other souvenirs they could carry. And the departure of the Roman soldiers pressed home the worst of Mary's problems.
So now, angry, confused and frustrated, Mary was doing the only thing she could think of. She was going to Rachel's place. Mary knew that when all else failed and it seemed the world would end, she could always count on Rachel to give her a shoulder to cry on. Rachel always knew what to do, and Mary was hoping this would be no exception.
"Pregnant!!" Rachel was obviously overjoyed. "Oh Mary that's fantastic! I'm so happy for you. Have you told Joseph yet?"
Mary shook her head quietly.
"Oh don't look so sad Mary, it just means we'll have to speed the wedding up a little. Then you and Joseph go on a bit of a holiday and come back with a baby. Happens all the time, and nobody's the wiser." But Rachel could see something wasn't right. She didn't seem to be cheering Mary up at all. "Hey, Mary. What's up? Come on. We've been best friends all our lives, you can tell me."
"Well," Mary started, "I don't think its a good idea to tell Joseph right now."
"Don't be silly. What father to be wouldn't want to know."
"A father to be who isn't a father to be, and knows it," was Mary's answer. And for the first time in Mary's life her friend Rachel was speechless.
"You mean you and Joseph never... you know."
"Well, not really. In the true sense, I'm still a virgin, with him anyway. And let me tell you, that's what he expects on his wedding day." (sniff) "Oh Rachel, this wasn't supposed to happen." And Mary began to cry. "I mean, I was just having fun you know. He said this couldn't happen, that I didn't have to worry." She was getting the words out between sobs.
"You mean Joseph said this couldn't happen?" Rachel asked.
"Nooooo" Mary wailed. "It wasn't Joseph."
"Oh my" Rachel replied. She finally got it.
Rachel was holding Mary, trying to comfort her. "There, there, there. Now you just calm down and tell me all about it. Tell me how all this came to pass. Did he take you by force?"
"Well, sometimes it was pretty forceful. But not always."
"So, you did this more than once? Of your own free will?"
"Oh yes!" was Mary's enthusiastic reply.
"At least it sounds like you enjoyed yourself" Rachel observed. Of course by now the shock had worn off and curiosity was setting in. "So tell me. I'm dying to know. Who was it?"
"Do you know Marcellus?" Mary began.
"Omigod!! You mean the Centurian Marcellus! The gorgeous Captain of the Guard hunk of Roman love Marcellus?" Rachel squealed.
"That's the one" was Mary's reply. She actually managed to sound somewhat smug and proud in spite of the circumstances.
"Oh! I just can't believe it. You and Marcellus!" Rachel sounded so excited. "Please, you have to tell me how you met him."
"I had been out shopping and decided to take a bit of a short cut. Anyway, I was going down the street behind the inn close to the Prefect's residence. You know the one don't you"
Rachel nodded her head in agreement.
"So there I was just minding my own business when I looked up. There was Marcellus getting rid of some wine. I mean, I just couldn't believe it. I felt like such a fool just standing there staring, but I couldn't help it."
Rachel piped in, "You mean you hadn't seen one before?"
"Not like that" Mary quickly replied.
"And Joseph?" Rachel inquired.
"Its pure coincidence, but he calls it his 'Little Centurian'"
"So?"
"You can forget the 'Centurian' part."
"Oh no," Rachel said, "I'm so sorry for you."
"Don't be silly Rachel, its not that bad. Its just that he's no Marcellus. At least not that way."
"Oh so tell me. You have to tell me. Was he ... good?"
Mary just sat there with a big grin on her face, nodding quietly.
"OK. So you met this guy, and you did it. I know you know how things work. You knew the risks didn't you? I mean didn't you plan your meetings a little? Make sure you met at the right time?"
Mary started to loose it again. "But he said it wouldn't be a problem. It wasn't a full moon. He told me that as a descendant of Romulus he was a true son of Rome and could only bring conception on a full moon." Mary realized that Rachel had piped in word for word during the last half of what she had just said. She looked at her friend questioningly.
"Oh Mary, you poor kid. You fell for the oldest line in the book. That's just something these Romans say to get girls to go along with them. He took advantage of you."
This news didn't sit too well with Mary.
"You should have spoken with me before you did something silly like that. I've been around a little longer than you have. I've heard all the lines."
"I know. It's just that I wanted to do this on my own. I thought I it would be okay. I wanted to tell you about the fun I had all on my own. But now... now I don't know what to do. Oh Rachel," the sobs began again "What am I going to do?"
Rachel thought for a moment. "Mary," she began "There's only one thing to do. You say good bye to Joseph, we march right down to the Roman garrison and tell that Marcellus that he's got himself a cute little Jewish girl to bring home to mother. I'm sure he'll do the honorable thing and......"
It was at this point that Mary really let go the aqueducts full of tears. "But we caaannn't" Mary cried. "The Roman garrison has already left for Rome, and Marcellus left with it. Here I am, a single mother to be, betrothed to Joseph, carrying the child of a lying Centurian who's already left town. Rachel, if we don't do something soon there's going to be a pile of stones outside Jaffa Gate, and each one is going to have my name on it!"
Rachel began to see that this was going to be a little more difficult than she had originally thought. It was too much to handle all at once, so she did the only thing that made any sense. She got a jug of wine from the across the room and took several long swallows. She passed the jug to Mary, and the two of them began to think.
"Lie? That's it? That's the best we can come up with? Lie?" The concern in Mary's voice was unmistakable. Panic was setting in.
"Look Mary" Rachel began, "I just can't think of what else to do. I may not have all the answers, but I do know men. And one thing I know about men is that you can lie to them if you can make them want to believe you. It's simple really. All you have to do is give them a big compliment, or do something really nice for them, if you know what I mean, and then you can tell them anything you want to, or get them to do whatever you ask. And men are dumb, the bigger the lie, the more likely they are to believe it."
"Are you sure?" Mary asked. "I mean does it work for you?"
"Sure. Take my Joshua for instance. He'll be back in a few days. Now, he'll have been out tending that herd of goats for three weeks. What do you suppose the first thing is he'll want to do when he gets home?"
Mary shrugged her shoulders.
"Mary, he's a man. The cutest thing he's had to look at for three weeks is the back end of a goat. The only thing on his mind when he gets in that door involves me."
"So?" Mary asked.
"To be honest, after three weeks, the goats smell better than he does. So, what I want is for him to freshen up. But that isn't so easy with him tugging at my hem and trying get my sandals on his shoulders."
"What do you do then?" Mary asked.
"One time, I told him how much I missed him. I told him I couldn't bear to be without him for even one more beat of my heart. That I had to have him right away but... I wanted to see him in the light so I could see his gorgeous body even better. I wanted to see the sweat glisten on his muscles, in the sunlight. I pushed him out into the back where I had a tub of water waiting. Of course by this point he'd have eaten dirt if I'd asked him to, so getting him to wet himself down so he'd glisten in the sun was easy. Do you understand what I'm getting at?" Rachel asked.
"I think so" was Mary's reply. "But what am I going to tell him?"
"I really don't know" Rachel said. "You're going to have to come up with that yourself. Just remember, the nicer you are to him the more he'll want to believe you. And the bigger the lie, the better the story, the more likely it is he will believe you."
Mary bade goodnight to her friend, and went home to think. She knew she'd have to tell Joseph something the next day, but she wasn't quite sure what it would be.
Mary woke up with a headache. "Must have been the wine" she thought, as she sat down to a breakfast of bread and figs. She had slept half way through the morning. She had been up most of the night trying to come up with a good story for Joseph. She had had no luck. Just then she heard a knock at the door. She answered the door only to find a woman and her child standing there.
"Oh lady of the house" the mother began, "Have you heard the word of the Lord. Are you ready for the coming of the savior?"
"Dammit" Mary thought, why is that when you most want to get through a morning without being disturbed, some religious nut with a kid always comes and bothers you?
"If you want, we will come in and share with you ....."
Mary slammed the door in their faces and turned back to her figs. She was just about to take a bite when she stopped dead. It hit her right out of the blue, and she suddenly knew what to do, what to tell Joseph. She felt like dancing and singing. She almost felt like thanking the woman and her child, but they might ask why and Mary didn't want to explain anything them. Mary began to work the details out as she went about her day's business.
Rachel stopped by Mary's place to see how things were going. It had been two days since their talk, and she wanted to know how she was. Since she hadn't heard of any stonings being announced, she figured Mary must be okay for now. But when she knocked at Mary's door, a strange woman answered.
"Mary?" the woman asked, "Oh you must mean the girl who moved out yesterday. I think she got married or something. And if you ask me," she continued, "I think she had to. I can tell you know, I can tell. Girls these days, not happy to wait till their wedding day. Noooo. They want to find out too soon. They want....."
"Uh, thanks" Rachel said, and turned and walked away, leaving the woman going on and on about children not respecting the wishes of their parents, and how today's kids aren't worth half of what the dowries are that are being asked for these days. "Married?" Rachel thought, "Maybe Mary pulled it off." And so with that thought in mind, she went off to Joseph's place to see if Mary was there.
Rachel arrived a short while later. She knocked on the door, but received no answer. She knocked again. Though nobody answered the door, she thought she could hear something or someone inside. "Mary? Is that you in there Mary?" Rachel said, but not too loudly.
"Rachel?" came the reply.
"Yes, it's me" Rachel said.
With that the door opened, and Mary was beckonning Rachel to enter while trying to hide herself behind the door.
"Mary, I heard you got married" Rachel said excitedly, "Is this true?"
Mary nodded that it was in fact true. "Yes we got married. But it isn't going right at all." And with that Mary began to cry.
"Oh Mary, it can't be too bad. Why don't you tell me all about it."
And Mary began her story.
"You told him what!!" Rachel couldn't believe what she'd just heard. "When I told you to tell him a lie, I didn't expect you to tell him you were carrying the savior of our people. I mean, the 'Son of God' Mary, have you lost your mind?"
"But you said the bigger the lie, the more..."
"I know what I said Mary, but the Savior?" Rachel kept going, "Okay, okay, I can accept running over and telling Joseph that you needed to be with him forever, that you wanted to get married right away. That was perfect, the big compliment, the big favor all in one. But to tell him you're pregnant by the Holy Spirit, so you're still a virgin, but there'll be no nookie till after the kid is born, on his wedding day? I mean, Mary, isn't that pushing it a little?"
"I didn't know what else to tell him" Mary cried. "At least we're still married. But he told me I'd have to stay inside till after the child is born, that I'm not even to answer the door. Rachel, you got me into this mess, now you have to help me get out of it" Mary concluded.
"Oh I got you into this did I!!" Rachel quickly replied, "And I supposed it was me who introduced you to Marcellus and said 'Go forth and be as his wife'"
"No, it's not that, it just, you know, I need your help still. I can't go on like this. Rachel, you've got to help me."
"All right" Rachel said, "But let's get one thing straight. You don't do anything unless I tell you to do so. Besides, I have an idea that just might work. Do you have any money on you?"
The wine had done its job. After Mary had told her story to him, Joseph had gotten more than a little depressed. He was genuinely in love with her, and couldn't bring himself to toss her out. But, neither did he feel like hanging around home, so each night he went out to get drunk. He had succeeded in his quest, and the two jugs of wine that Rachel had left on the table didn't go unscathed either. So there he was passed out in the corner, snoring, burping and scratching his privates. Exactly as expected.
Rachel was wearing a white sheet. She stood before Joseph, her arms outstretched so Mary remained hidden behind her. Mary held a large candle up behind Rachel's head. This cast a glow about the room that lit almost everything. From Joseph's position, the whole room would be visible, except for Rachel's face, because the light was right behind her head.
"Ready?" Rachel asked.
"As ready as I'll ever be" came Mary's reply.
With that, Rachel kicked Joseph in the leg. He groaned. She kicked him again, harder, and he looked up. He was groggy and tired, but his eyes were big white circles. He looked scared, or at least very surprised.
"Joseph, do you know who I am Joseph?" Rachel asked. She was making her voice much deeper than normal. "Do you know what I am Joseph?"
He shook his head no.
Rachel was pleased. It seemed to be working. "I am an angel of the lord Joseph, 'O son of David'" she remembered to add. "Joseph, your wife Mary is with child, and it is not yours. But do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife, for she is carrying the child of the Holy Spirit."
Joseph groaned an acknowledgment, and then surprised her, "A boy?" he questioned.
Rachel and Mary hadn't thought of this, but Rachel quickly said "A Son, and he will be the savior of his people." She figured there was an even chance of being right. "So be good to Mary, and hide her not behind closed doors. Be not ashamed to bear her in public. Feel free to be seen...."
Joseph butted in, "Wassisname?"
"What?" Rachel replied.
"Wass-his-name?" Joseph said more forcefully.
Rachel wasn't ready for this one. She was ready to start panicking any time. She felt an fist in her ribs. She heard Mary whispering, but couldn't quite hear her. Rachel had to say something. "What's his name?" she asked loudly, but in a tone that made Joseph feel scolded for not knowing.
"Jesus" she heard Mary say quietly.
"You will call him Jesus" Rachel said. And with that, Joseph fell back sound asleep.
Mary was visiting with Rachel. It had been two weeks since their late night episode with Joseph.
"It's nice to see you out and about" Rachel said. "I take it all is well?"
"Oh yes," Mary replied, "Ever since he was 'visited by the angel' Joseph has been a different man." With that they both began to giggle. "Of course, he still wants to move out into the country. I suppose I can't blame him. But all the same, I'm going to miss you."
"And I'll miss you too" Rachel replied. "I still can't believe we pulled that off. But don't you think we went a little too far?"
"Oh don't be silly" Mary said, "He'll calm down. It'll all wear off in time. He'll forget the story and everything will get back to normal. After all, it was just a little lie. In the long run, nothing will come of it. What could go wrong anyway?"
"I suppose you're right" Rachel conceded. "But one thing before you go."
"What's that?" Mary asked.
"Why Jesus?" was Rachel's question.
"No reason. It just came to me. I thought it was kind of cute. A nice name."
And with that the two friends embraced and said good bye.
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:29 PM | Comments (1)