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March 22, 2006
I Wonder What Would Be Harder
Convincing your friends of what nearly happened…..
..…or paddling back to shore in a puddle of your own feces.
Speaking personally, I would be happy to sit in my own feces if it meant not being eaten by a god damned fish. Given the limited choice that is. Because I want you all to know that since I am still here, I have obviously not been eaten by sharks or anything else, but I don’t use that as an excuse to sit in my own feces. It’s not like a habit or anything. At least not since I was like a year old.
Nope. I can see that scene playing out in my mind. Long smooth strokes back to shore, that “Jaws” music pounding in my head, probably never, ever to leave again. Hitting the beach with enough force to drive the boat about 40 feet onto the sand before even considering getting out. And of course sitting there in the kayak, nodding and waving at passers by while you wait for the beach to clear of all the other people because you don’t want to get out of the boat because of all that feces. Yeah…..sounds like a day in paradise to me.
Guess I’m gonna get me a kayak.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:29 PM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2006
Taking a Bite Out Of Crime
I feel safer….do you feel safer?
I’ll bet somebody must feel very proud of their law enforcement officers. They must have been tipped off about a hidden water pistol or maybe he was smuggling those candy cigarettes into the day care. Maybe he was speeding. We may never know for sure. But what I do know is that you can never be too careful, and having twelve large and heavily armed police officers with riot batons was probably the safest way to go. We wouldn’t want a couple of his little buddies rolling up on their tricycles and breaking him out of there now would we?
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:47 PM | Comments (0)
March 13, 2006
The World of Wonders…..”What the fuck?”
I know. I know…..the world is so wrong all of a sudden.
I see this picture of this, um, person and that dress and I am immediately reminded of that old Sesame Street song;
“One of these things doesn’t go with the other,
One of these things doesn’t quite belong……”
But it doesn’t stop at that does it? It’s not just one thing or two. This picture seems to be wrong in so many ways. So many visceral and disturbing ways that it defies simple description. Careful examination over time has shown that it hasn’t been “Photoshopped” or altered. And that is where the questions rather than the observations kick in.
Its easy to say, “The dress just isn’t her(?) color,” or, “That hairstyle just HAS to go. It is so 1980’s.” But what really needs to be done, is to examine the motivation behind the shot, and the individual in it. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone qualified to do that without vodka, and lots of it. So we’ll probably never know for sure, and from my perspective that may be for the best. Perhaps the only thing I really want to know is, “Where does this person live?” Because I would feel personally safer striking that destination off of my ‘places I have to visit before I die’ list.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2006
Isn’t technology great?
Especially when it’s teamed up with honesty in advertising. Know your market and let them know you have the right product for them has always been a key to success in the retail game.
I suppose some people actually have 20 gigabytes of family pictures and wretched, boring holiday snaps. But I doubt it. That would be like, 145,000 good quality pictures or several hours of home movies of little Jimmy tossing a stick for Barky. I for one try to avoid people with that many photos because you know sure as shit that they are going to expect you to sit and look at their pictures and movies with them and they will get all offended if you don’t.
But you can also bet your bottom dollar, that there are people, probably even people you know, that do have 20 gigabytes of porn. And now, they can take it with them. At least with those people, there is a pretty good chance that they won’t expect you to sit with them and look at all their pictures. So them I can tolerate. Not because of what they have, but rather because of what I won’t have to put up with. You’re not likely to have them sliding up next to you in the lunch room saying, “Hey Bob, wanna see my new Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee movie or my Swedish Sorority Sisters photo series?”
At least you’ll know who they are. They’re the ones who have iPods, but seldom carry earphones. Which probably means the ‘back of the bus’ seats are even better to avoid than ever before.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)
March 10, 2006
Notes to my son #7
Don’t ever, ever complain about ‘the wet spot’. Thank your lucky stars that there is a wet spot. And then bring her coffee in the morning.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:27 PM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2006
Gillette Fusion - Holy Shit!! What a Great Shave!!!!
There are times I hate being a cynic and this is one of them. Why? Simply because I fully expected some gimmicky piece of over hyped shit that would embarrass the Gillette company and turn them into a laughing stock. I expected something that would fail because it would be nothing more than a new attempt to have more blades than the next guy. I figured it would be the penis extender of the razor world, appealing only to guys who need ‘more’ than other guys because they have ‘less’ than other guys…if you follow my drift.
But I was wrong. This razor is ‘the shit’. The Gillette Fusion is so good I will sound goofy trying to explain it to you if you haven’t tried it yourself.
I wrote a piece about the Mach 3 Power razor a while ago (see entries May 21, 22 & 23rd, 2005). It was and still is a great shaver. Way better than the four bladed disaster that is the Shick Quattro. I did go out and buy one to try and it was awful. Too light, with pivot points that aren’t well located. It reminded me of an old rock song that went; “….just a three dressed up as a nine.” Complete crap. Shick just trying to keep up with the masters, and failing But also part of why I expected less from the Fusion.
And yet here I am sounding as excited as kid with a new toy.
The Fusion is expensive, but as near perfect as a thing can be, and worth it. Cast metal that is heavy and firm in the hand. Exquisitely balanced with a huge pivot range in the head. It has five blades on the face and a precision trimmer, single blade on the back. It is the closest and smoothest shave I have ever had. The only other times I have felt skin as smooth, that used to have hair, involved waxing and a great deal of personal intimacy. So you figure it out. For the record, that’s pretty damn smooth.
I could go on and on, but it would all be suplursage and verbal diarrhea. Unproductive diatribe that would only delay you from the inevitable. If you shave (and who doesn’t these days…wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean) then you should stop reading and go get one. Sell the kids for medical experiments if you have to, but go get one. You’ll be glad you did.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:14 PM | Comments (0)
March 07, 2006
Why, Pepsi…..for the love of God…why?
I ran across this image about a month ago and it has haunted me since. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t lamented the irreparable damage it has done to my ability to enjoy Pepsi. What were they thinking in Australia where it ran? David Hasselhoff? Using David to sell Pepsi is about as appealing as using Richard Simmons to sell Dewalt power tools. I just don’t make a positive association with the product. I’m sure Richard likes a big tool just as much as (or maybe more than) any other guy. But that wouldn’t make me want to buy one. This does not make me want to drink Pepsi.
He’s wearing silver tipped boots fer chrissakes and doing something with a microphone stand that is causing an ugly, brown and apparently viscous fluid to spray onto the wall. It doesn’t look very refreshing. As a matter of fact, it looks very much like the spray that hit my cousin once when we were slopping out a barn and a bale of hay landed in the trough behind the cows. If I have to spell it out any clearer then you’re too stupid to read this site and should leave immediately. Click here to go to someplace more your speed.
Maybe they think differently in Australia. Hell, maybe demographic studies were done that illustrates a link between Pepsi drinkers and David Hasselhoff fans. But I doubt it. I think it was a carefully crafted ad by someone in the Coke organization. Nothing else makes sense.
I know, let’s ask the Trans Am from Knight Rider. (remember KITT?) It was always smarter than David anyway. They should have at least gotten the car. Then they could have gotten Paris Hilton to roll around on top of it in a black bikini while pouring Pepsi all over herself. Because that would be a smart commercial. That would make me and everybody else want to go out and buy Pepsi. Wouldn’t it?
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:38 PM | Comments (0)
March 04, 2006
The CN Tower……simply incredible!!
The world’s tallest free standing structure and an internationally recognized symbol of our country, the CN Tower in Toronto, Ontario, is truly a sight to behold. But it is so tall, so boldly impressive, that it is only by getting far enough away from it that you can appreciate the majesty of its lines, as illustrated in the photograph below.
As you can clearly see, when shown in its natural surroundings, the tower leaves you wishing you were there. The bulging part about one third of the way down from the top is where you would go for the best view. It’s a favorite place for many Torontonians.
I could go on and on about this magnificent structure. If you want to know more about the CN Tower, click here.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:32 PM | Comments (0)