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February 27, 2006
The World of Wonders….. .Gimme A Kiss Luv
Somewhere there is a female that will love this guy.
Somewhere in the Zambezi River in Africa that is. And she’s probably a hippopotamus with low self esteem. Sort of a hippo harlot who’s given up on all the good guys and is willing to settle for whatever will keep the ‘lonlies’ away at night when all the other good looking hippos are wallowing up a storm and scaring all the crocodiles and elephants away with their wild hippo partying. I’m told it looks sort of like Costco when they have cheesecakes and Twinkies on special.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:03 PM | Comments (1)
February 25, 2006
Florida is still interesting…..and I still love it….(part #2)
(Written February 1 = 8, 2006)
Well that was fun. I did the penny thing. I drove out to Sanibel and Captiva Islands and thoroughly enjoyed the coastal, barrier environment. The mangrove swamps had an odd sort of attractiveness. They are after all, just massive tangles of roots that actually thrive in the standing salty water. But they were full of life. Herons and ospreys and other smaller birds that seem to happily exist amongst the mangroves in spite of the development around them. Or maybe because of it? Hard to say. But there is no denying how wonderful these places are. For years I had heard how beautiful these islands and beaches were and now I know why. It helps one understand what Carl Hiaasen talks about when he laments the disappearing coast. And now, Sanibel and Captiva will be even more delightful as they will be blessed with the smiles of treasure hunters as they find the pennies I pressed deep into the sands.
I made sure they were above the tide lines so that they won’t just wash away. I put a few in the pathways of high traffic corridors from the beach hotels to the beaches. Not that I actually hope that some wheezing pie faced ‘treasure hunter’ from the trailer park gets bowled over by a bunch of out of control kids…..because, THAT WOULD BE WRONG. I suppose tossing a few in the sands around the ‘porta potties’ was kind of sick though. But hey, treasure is wherever you find it right? so I know everything’s gonna be alright. It was worth the fifty cents. I’m sure it will be like Christmas all over again for some lucky souls who will arrive home asking themselves why their fingers smell so funny. But I don’t care. This is my trip and I’m going to enjoy it damn it.
And I am.
It’s been a strange odyssey for me. For years, all of my vacations have been tied to somebody else’s. And in all of those cases that was just fine. But now, for the first time in many years, I find myself driving along Florida’s gulf coast without a schedule, direction or reason to be here. And it’s liberating to get away, far away from the ordinary. Well, mine at least.
Which brings me to the ordinary here. It’s not ordinary.
Holy S__T!! but there are some nice homes here. I have a new found respect for pretty girls who are willing to “do what they have to do” to bag a guy with a home on the beach. Hell, at this point even I’m feeling the pangs of willingness to do what I have to do. (goats, chickens and badgers excluded) A quick flip through the local real estate guide shows Jim Brown’s gallery of fine homes as follows; “priced below bank appraisal at $2.1 million” “four bedroom ready in two months, $1,775,000” “deluxe two story offered at only $2.35 million” “your own boating paradise ONLY $2,900,000” and these aren’t even on the beach. They’re in the semi dumpy backwaters around Cape Coral. I’m surprised I was even allowed onto Sanibel and Captiva. But I was and I’m glad I visited. When I sell my books I’m coming back with my briefcase full of cash and I’m going to buy a place on the beach so I can sneer at the tourists like everybody else. And then I’ll sneak out at night and bury costume jewelry around my neighbor’s properties and along the beach just so I can scream obscenities at the ‘treasure hunters’ and say things like, “Hey!! That’s MY ring. I left it there on purpose so you just put it right back where you found it god dammit!!” Oh gosh. The crazy things rich people do huh?
Close to Sarasota there is a place called St. Armand’s Circle. It is an outdoor traffic circle surrounded by delightful shops and restaurants. I couldn’t afford to breathe there let alone shop, but it sure was lovely.
The rest of my trip was delightful and included an evening at the Blue Martini Lounge in Tampa. I’m not going to say the staff were attractive per se, but I will suggest that Angelina Jolie would not be allowed to be a bartender there because she’s not hot enough. But it wasn’t just the staff. The place rocks. It is a fantastic bar and worth the time and money to go.
But enough if this travelogue stuff. Suffice it to say that I shall return. And if I don’t have a bag full of money, then maybe a sign around my neck that reads, “Will provide pleasure for beach house” will do.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 12:47 PM | Comments (0)
February 22, 2006
I am Canadian. I am a man. And I want to have sex with hockey players.
There. I’ve admitted it. It’s true. And I am having a terrible time trying to deal with a whole ton of mixed emotions here.
I have been programmed almost from birth to understand what a hockey player is all about. Tough, scarred, toothless and rugged. A fearsome lout wearing a plastic cup to protect his balls and wielding a brutally effective weapon called a ‘stick.’ The hockey player is our hero. Our Babe Ruth on ice. The reason we tolerate the winter cold.
And yet here I am, feeling an almost overwhelming urge to get all cuddly and intimate with so many hockey players. It hurts my brain as my subconscious struggles with my newly found desires.
But lest you go thinking this is gonna be another ‘Brokeback Mountain’ kind of story played out on center ice, I want you to understand just what hockey players I’m talking about. I’m talking about these ones.
That’s right. The US Women's Hockey Team. And the Swedes. And a the Canadians. And probably a lot of the others.
I mean, check out this picture of the Swedish goal tender, Kim Martin.
I look at that picture and it screams out to me, “Score here!!”
And then watching all the girls at the end of the game gave me another idea. There they are all hugging each other and they’ve all got that sweaty hair thing happening. It made me think that the next time the girlfriend and I are finished a good solid tear the sheets off the bed, knock over a nightstand or two, ignore the neighbors for a couple hours as they scream at us to quiet the fuck down kind of roll in the hay, and I look over and see her with her hair all sweaty and her face flushed and she’s slowly getting her breathing back to normal, I’ll say in the most loving of ways, “Hey babe, you look like you’ve just played a hockey game. You look really hot.”
And then she’ll do that special ‘thing’ she does to show me she loves me. You know, where she elbows me in the head and then hip checks me into the bathroom door while yelling, “Do you think you could be even less sensitive?!?!”
God I love hockey. Especially the players.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:12 PM | Comments (3)
February 17, 2006
Landslide in the Philippines, ferry sinks at 11……
Another day another landslide in the Philippines. Next week a ferry will sink. I can practically guarantee it. This isn’t news anymore, it’s just an ongoing tragedy tally that marks the lives of the Philippine people.
Now, by sheer coincidence, the hillsides in California seem to slide every few years as well. But instead of a handful of muddy beggars standing around saying, “One minute I was asleep and the next, my village is gone. My seven youngest children and my little tin shack have all been swept away,” you have people that look like Paris Hilton and Brad Pitt staring at a ruined garage going, “Man, this totally sucks. My favorite Benz was in there along with a huge bag of weed. If we hadn’t parked the Porsche next to the Hummer down at the beach house, it would have gotten completely scratched or something.”
Amazing how tragedy can bind the world together isn’t it?
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 01:02 PM | Comments (0)
February 16, 2006
Notes to my son…..#3 Paths
If circumstance prevents you from following your heart’s path, enjoy the path as long as you can. Take every step slowly. Look around you as you go. Memorize each and every pebble along the way. Each rise in the path and each corner you take so that you will recognize the path should you find yourself there again. And when you must step away from the path, cry if you must. Laugh if you can. But don’t be sad. Be grateful you were on the path at all.
Life has many paths.
Go find yours.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:14 PM | Comments (0)
Football Attracts More Female Fans….
It’s true. Statistics are showing that more and more women than ever before are watching and going to football games. And I don’t know why.
What is it about football and football players that attracts women? Is it the promise of violence and hard hitting action on the field? Maybe. Is it the cheerleaders? For some, it’s a statistical certainty, but not likely the main reason. What is the allure of hanging around with the Miami Dolphins or the Dallas Cowboys? What promise is held in the company of professional football players? I just don’t know.
I’m not sure if the answer will ever really be clear to the men in this world, but whatever it is, if it gets the lovely ladies to enjoy one of our favorite pastimes and spend more time with us, then I’m all for it.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:41 PM | Comments (0)
February 15, 2006
A Face Only A Mother Could Love……
We’ve heard the phrase before. “A face only a mother could love.” And we’ve all seen a few. But in the case of these two…..
….I’m guessing there’s a mother sitting in the back of a grungy bar somewhere saying, “No I don't. Are you kidding me? Look at them. But heeyyyy.......wanna buy me a drink?”
I look at these two faces and think, if ever there were two guys who know what possum jerky tastes like, it’s them. I’m reminded of phrases like, ‘ignorance is bliss’ and I look at how happy they appear and wonder about the corollary.
But mostly I think about what it would be like to answer the door and find these two outside saying, “Hi Mr. Pundit, we’re here to take your daughter out to the movies….and stuff. Yeah
Sleep well on that thought. But no cheating. No vodka before bed.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:16 PM | Comments (1)
February 12, 2006
Ariel Sharon replaced by squash…..
Tel Aviv (AP) - Daniel Benolo, Chair of the Knesset House Committee has announced that Israeli Prime Minister, Ariel Sharon, has been replaced by an acorn squash after a large portion of his colon was recently removed during emergency surgery.
Sharon remains in a deep coma since suffering a massive stroke in early January.
Benolo went on to comment, “There was growing unrest within the Knesset with questions being raised as to the best course of action and who should lead it. But obviously, it is difficult under circumstances such as these to pick one man over another. The solution became suddenly clear, make the acorn squash prime minister until the situation resolves itself.”
He explained further, “At this point, they are both essentially vegetables. Both essentially the same shape. Mr. Sharon is much larger, but Mr. Acorn (pr: Ahh-korn) has better color.
The unexpected development is how well Mr. Acorn is doing with his appointment. He seems to have a sound, quiet resolve. He never argues. This alone has improved efficiencies in the Knesset by over 90% as the vast majority of our time is spent arguing and fighting.
But perhaps the most important development has been the improvement in the Middle East peace process as anti-Israeli violence seems to have come to a stop. We’ve heard reports that a spokesperson from Hezbollah has stated that they cannot fight a nation lead by a side dish, because if they won they would become a laughing stock. The military equivalent of boasting of a sexual conquest with a retarded cousin. They are praying for a speedy recovery by Mr. Sharon. If this keeps up though the year, it is possible that the acorn squash could win the Nobel Peace prize.”
Inside sources have reported that if the acorn squash continues to do well, that the Knesset is considering appointing a bowl of couscous as foreign secretary and a lamb kebab as minister of defense. Mr. Benolo declined comment on this but added, “If the lamb kebab is spicy, then you’ll know it’s a Likud kebab.”
We join Mr. Benolo in wishing Mr. Sharon a speedy and complete recovery.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
February 11, 2006
Prophet Mohamed or…….
Ok. I just can’t drop it. I’m still trying to figure it all out.
I had an idea that might make things better. If instead of bad cartoons you were to make action figures and a line of chocolates, both shaped in a possible likeness of Mohamed (or more likely a cab driver or a prime minister of Iran) and you were to sell them and make money it would raise the question: Would that be like, Mohamed Profit?
Really, what could be better? What gives as nice a feeling as a bite of chocolate slowly melting on your tongue? It would be pretty hard to not like Mohamed if he’s filling you up with all that chocolaty goodness. I think it would be alright as long as you don’t bite his head off and scream “STOP STARING AT ME!!!”
And what about the action figures? You could put them up next to your other super heroes like Spider Man and Superman and Bat Man and the Power Rangers and the Power Puff Girls and your Mr. Super Golf Man that you made out of an old Titleist and some ear wax and a few strips of cloth while you spent a year in your ‘special’ room as a guest of the state.
Or, maybe you could forget the action figure and stick with the chocolates. Yeah, and you could make chocolates in the shape of Jesus and Mary and Buddha and Vishnu and Shiva and Odin and Zeus and Isis and Anubis and probably a whole bunch more.
And then you could try to bring peace to the world by going up in front of the United Nations and tell everyone to just quit with all this craziness over silly cartoons adding, “Why can’t we just be friends?”
And when the first person asks, “How?” you could just hold out your confined confectionaries and say, “Because life is like a box of chocolates.”
Of course stupid is as stupid does and as you spend a couple more years in your special room as a guest of the state you can consider what a good thing you tried to do while the rest of the world tears itself apart over some stupid cartoons and you can ask yourself, “Who’s the crazy one?”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 01:46 PM | Comments (0)
February 10, 2006
Just in from England - Girl’s Sex Spree at Abbey
Ya gotta love this…..
**please note: I have retyped the article as reported**
RANDY Alana May was nabbed not once, not twice, but THREE times in 30 MINUTES for having sex in public.
Two of her romps were at floodlit Selby Abbey in the middle North Yorks. The third was on land also owned by the church.
Officers first saw Alana, 25, with her pants down with a semi-naked man. They interrupted her and told her to go home.
But they returned 15 minutes later and discovered Alana was performing a sex act on the man against the 11th century abbey’s walls. She was again told to go home.
But 15 minutes after that the pair were spotted having sex in church parkland.
Alana and the Romeo were arrested. (I love this part !!) She said of the romps: “I couldn’t wait to get home.”
She was fined 50 pounds for outraging public decency. Her unnamed lover, who has no previous convictions, got a caution.
Now I don’t know about you, but I found this whole thing disgusting. Terrible. Without redeeming qualities. The fact that we should have to read this was a social travesty. Justice was not served.
Of course I’m referring to the reporting of the story and not the story itself.
Did anybody else notice the prejudice in report? It was ‘Alana had her pants down’ and ‘Alana was performing a sex act’. They paint her as a…..get ready for it….slut. And what was he referred to as? A ‘Romeo’ no less. A Romeo who just happened to be walking along, trying to resist the advances of the girl who was performing a sex act with him against the wall. Must have been that way since, according to the story, it was only her performing the act, (which sounds like a blowjob to me) and not him participating in it.
***Bill Clinton fans please note: He said that he, “Didn’t have sex with that girl.” And it seems that Alana May didn’t have ‘sex’ till the third time when they were finally caught playing ‘two backed beastie’. So maybe Slick Willie was right after all and there was a great big fuss about nothing.***
Now I can see the cops making an issue out of it the first time. But for them to keep coming back, makes me think that maybe the perverts here weren’t Alana May and ‘Romeo Boy’ but rather those peeping Tom coppers. If they didn’t do anything the first two times, why did they charge her after the third? Was the quality of her performance suddenly lacking? Or did she say something like; “Bugger off, you sick pervs!”
What bothers me is the obvious bias in the reporting and the incomplete supply of information. She got fined but he got off….finally….by getting a caution. And since it was noted that he had no previous convictions, does that mean she had previous convictions? Is lovely little Alana May a churchyard tart? Does she get off bouncing around on a stack of bibles? Inquiring minds now want to know. The allusion is certainly there even if I do have an overactive imagination. Oh well, it sounds to me like Alana May got off better than Romeo Boy after all.
All I can say is “Three Cheers!!” for Alana May. A girl who knows what she wants and doesn’t like having to wait to get it. Her parents must be so proud.
“Forgive me Father, for I’m about to sin….’cause I just can’t wait to get home.”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:11 PM | Comments (4)
February 09, 2006
How do they know it's Mohamed?
It dawned on me......
Okay, so if they don't allow any pictures of Mohamed, and never have....How do they know it's him in the cartoons? How do they know what he looks like if they don't know what he looks like? Maybe that's just some waiter from a Cous-Cous bar in Copenhagen. So it would be pretty stupid to be rioting over a picture of waiter wouldn't it?
Kinda puts it in a brave new perspective doesn't it?
Kinda makes you wonder if I took all my meds this morning doesn't it?
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 03:43 PM | Comments (0)
February 08, 2006
Mohamed Cartoons and riots……what a bunch of morons…..
As the world goes to hell in a hand basket around us, we must on occasion pause and ask ourselves, “What the hell is going on anyway?”
In this case specific, I am referring to the worldwide arch stupidity that is centering around a bunch of morons getting all uptight and rioting over the publishing of some badly drawn cartoons. Robert Heinlein once wrote, “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” Well folks, if you ever needed more proof than all this stuff, you’re probably doomed to be one of them.
Here for your viewing pleasure, is the first of the cartoons that sparked all the controversy.
So why am I bringing you this? Because for once, I agree with some Frenchmen and even offer my admiration for them.
Today, the French satirical weekly, Charlie-Hebdo republished all of the cartoons, and even added another of its own showing the prophet Mohamed holding his head in his hands and saying, “It’s hard to be loved by fools.”
Charlie-Hebdo editor Philippe Val wrote, “When extremists extract concessions from democracies on points of principle, either by blackmail or terror, democracies do not have long left.”
He is very right. And I am pleased to find out that more and more European papers and papers around the world are starting to publish and republish the pictures in an effort to fight for the right to free speech and expression. We really have no choice. And so I bring them all to you here. My own little stand for freedom.
Comic 3. Comic 4. Comic 5. Comic 6. Comic 8. Comic 9. Comic 10. Comic 11. Comic 12.
Not all Muslims are idiots. Quite the opposite really. But like most groups, there are always some that spoil it for everybody else. And to me, the ones that are attacking and burning and rioting really and truly are a bunch of fucking morons. Apparently they are concerned that these images of Mohamed could lead to idolatry. Webster’s Dictionary defines idolatry as follows:
“The worship of a physical object as a god.”
Alright. That I accept. But what I don’t accept is why they think that the followers of their religion would start to worship these pictures. I mean, the guy with the orange in his turban looks like Bill Gates for chrissakes. Are they all going to start worshiping Bill Gates? What I’m trying to get at is that they sure as hell can’t have much faith in themselves or their religion if they’re worried about switching over from the Koran to a cheesy cartoon image of Mohamed.
“Achmed! Are you not going to Mecca for the stampede?”
“No Ibrahim….I think I’m going to hang around my convenience store and worship this cartoon I cut out of a Danish newspaper paper. It really does it for me. It’s opened my eyes as to where my faith should be.”
“Achmed, why does Bill Gates have an orange in his turban?”
It’s so bizarre. Here they are avoiding a test of their religion and the Christians, some of them fools I’ll grant you, have seemed to take perverse pleasure through the ages in the instances when their faith has been tested.
See, I’m thinking that we should all just say to the Muslim world, Yo! Camel dudes! Taxi drivers of the world unite! Go get some paper and some pens and make some really bad cartoons about Jesus. Go ahead. Draw him in a casino, using his miracles to break the bank. Have a little text balloon behind a blackjack dealer saying, “That’s six blackjacks in a row. And this is a single deck game. Amazing!!” Or show good old Jesus enjoying carnal relations with a goat or a dog or even worse, Martha Stewart. Go for it. Get even!
Because what will the Christian world do? We’ll look at the pictures and say, “Eeeewwww…..like that is so wrong.” And then we’ll get back to Desperate Housewives and other important things. We won’t go storming the Syrian embassy in Berlin. Or Paris. Or anywhere else. Not now anyways.
Ok, sure, there was a time when we would have put the cartoonists to death or invaded Jerusalem…..again. But that was the fucking dark ages. Back then medieval guys would go around hacking other people into little pieces with broadswords and axes just for something to do on a Sunday afternoon because they could. But we grew up. As a society we grew up, matured and developed. We evolved and became better for it. We became, and there’s no delicate way to put this, civilized. Which by default suggests that they are not. And you know what? I’m ok with that. So sue me. Fuck’em.
It will be interesting to see how this all pans out and where it will end. At this point the demonstrations have outgrown the limitations of the specific cartoons and grown into a massive mob mentality. And like all mobs, if it doesn’t settle down, someone is going to have to step in and settle it. And that’s where it’s going to get weird.
I can’t wait for the ‘doomsday’ freaks to trot out their Nostradamus theories. He did call for the rise of the third ‘Anti-Christ’ as follows:
Out of the country of Greater Arabia shall be born a strong master of Mohammed,
He will enter Europe wearing a blue turban,
He will be the terror of mankind.
Never more horror.
And it wouldn’t be a stretch to see the doomsayers drag this little quatrain out of dust heap of forgotten poetry:
The death of the house of seven by a suite of deaths,
Hail, tempest, pestilence, evil, fury.
A king of the East will put the West to flight,
And will subdue his at one time conquerors.
I can see them saying that this must refer to the G-7. The rich industrialized nations that seem to pretty much call the shots.
Me, I don’t believe in such crap. Prophecy, shmophecy. We must accept the notion that we affect and create our own futures and not fall victim to what we think is simply fate. Still, I can’t help shake the feeling that we have yet to see the worst of it all.
For now I’m not going to worry too much. I have a business to run and kids to feed and there’s a hockey game on at 7:00. Of course, if I wanted a little more excitement in my life, I could always dress up in an outfit from the 1850’s and go prancing around downtown Beirut signing, “I’m Hans Christian Anderson….”
And to think it all started in the land best known for the statue of the Little Mermaid, funny smelling cheese and some fictitious prince named Hamlet.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:11 PM | Comments (2)
Bird Flu Reaches Nigeria…..we’re all screwed…..
Ok, I can remain sort of calm if the bird flu thing is contained in countries like Canada, the USA or even France. Hell, I’d even like for it to be in France for a while, though that’s the subject of another story. You see, these countries have the demonstrated capacity for basic and functional societal health controls. But when the bird flu gets a foothold in the ‘Dark Continent’ you know it’s time to stock the shelves and make a quick trip to the gun shop.
Look, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the people as people. But the Africans have not, as a rule, shown very good self restraint when it comes to issues like social responsibility, national hygiene and health policies. The example of a million or so dead people clogging the rivers in Rwanda comes to mind, as does the spread of aids. Especially since research has suggested that aids started in monkeys. Still don’t get it? Okay try this….. We know that aids can be spread through unprotected sex and that leaves some pretty disturbing images in my mind.
Look, I’m not saying that Africa is full of a bunch of monkey fuckers, but I will say that if you asked me to pick out the one area of the world that is best suited to the spread of pestilence and disease, I would have to go with Africa.
Sadly, in so many cases, when someone tries to set down some rules and guidelines in Africa somebody else always get their nose out of joint and we hear about it a few days later on CNN. Hell, revolutions, revolts and beheadings are so commonplace in Africa that the stories aren’t even headlines anymore. They’re used to fill in space between the medical blurbs and the sports coverage.
“…..and that’s how to remove your own spleen if it ruptures while camping. For CNN, I’m Dr. Sanjay Gupta.
Yesterday, the government of Ghana fell to the eastern rebels almost a full week after it fell to rebels from the south. A whole bunch more people were killed, more children had arms cut off, more women were raped and burned, yadda yadda yadda, livestock shot and the new leader of the country, Sergeant….no wait….General Field Marshal Admiral Mbegwe Talisibowi has declared that he now controls the faucets that run the water into the golden bathtub in the President’s palace. Great…..over to you Bob for some important news.
Today in basketball, Duke overcame a five point deficit to beat North Carolina…….”
So getting back to the bird flu, I’m thinking it’s gonna be tough to control in places like Nigeria, Botswana, Ghana, Algeria, Uganda and the list goes on.
But in a weird confluence of possibilities, there has also been a bunch of infected chickens in southern Iraq. As I recall, there are a few American troops currently stationed in Iraq. Some of them from Kansas.
And why do I mention this?
If I remember my history right, the great 1918-19 influenza pandemic known as the ‘Spanish Flu’ was reported to have its origins traced back to several army bases in Kansas. It spread from there to infect over 25% of the American population and nearly 20% of the global population. Between 20 and 40 million people died from it world wide. It wasn’t exactly a good thing.
So folks, if we start getting a bunch of sick soldiers in Kansas and people going back to the KFC with half eaten buckets of chicken saying, “My chicken tastes funny…” then go raid the nearest Blockbuster, bolt the doors and settle in for the long haul, ‘cause it ain’t gonna be pretty.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 09:45 AM | Comments (0)
February 06, 2006
Things I have Learned in Florida:
- Never wear platform sandals with puffy little tufts of shitty fabric that are supposed to look like flowers on them on the toe strap. They are ugly and nasty in so many ways. And if I have to explain them to you, then you won’t get it. You probably wear them already and you will be condemned forever to fashion hell. I curse you.
- If, when you go swimming, people yell out, “Hey look!! A manatee!! Oh…wait…never mind,” you have no business on a commercial airliner. Keep swimming the canals and coastal waterways and eventually you will get where you are going. Stay off the planes. You make everybody nervous.
- If you miss the Publix or the CVS Pharmacy across from the Walgreens Pharmacy…..don’t worry. There’s more on the next corner.
- Florida has incredible beauty and diversity. People living here are very lucky. Don’t fuck it up.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 01:17 PM | Comments (0)
February 03, 2006
Men Go For Biggest Cup Size…..entire sex declared morons….
Why do men always seem to go for the biggest cup size?
A fair question to ask, but not a simple answer to provide. Perhaps it’s the male predilection towards ‘bigger is better / more is better.’ (My truck is bigger….my gun is bigger….my house is bigger…..my car is faster…) A holdover of the competitiveness needed for survival of the fittest. Perhaps there’s a subconscious desire to return to the nurturing and comforting environment of breast feeding where every sensation involved would dwarf the reality they would face as they grew older. Or perhaps, more likely, we can just blame it all on the media, Russ Myer and ultimately, Pamela Anderson.
I’m sure there is some subconscious thought pattern at work in the male mind. A pattern that makes most, but not all men, predictable. Suckers for the first person that figures out a new way to use their pattern behavior against them. And it happens all the time.
But what I don’t get, is why we keep making the same damn mistakes over and over again. Are we as a species incapable of learning from past mistakes? Or are we doomed to follow in the wretched footsteps of our fathers and brothers before us?
The guys in the picture above are drinking beer. How stupid is that!?!? That much beer for each person? Forget the unavoidable public urination (another undesirable habit exercised by too many men…. “Aww…I don’t need no washroom baby, I’ll just go against this building here….by the exposed electrical outlet with the open wires and AAAAAAA….mother of god it hurts!!!!”) that will damage forever the quality of the park they’re in. Forget the unavoidable horrors of that many severely intoxicated drivers. “…ever notice how much faster this car goes after nine beers? Watch…I can make it to that intersection before that stupid old train.”
Think instead of the lack of thought (or is it the poor quality of thought?) that courses through their heads. The thought that ‘yes, it would be great if I had a girlfriend that could fit these’. THAT is the part that disturbs me. The fact that they don’t consider the negative’s that go with that situation. The fact that being with a girl that, um, distorted, could be the end of them. Consider this girl for instance. Great….you can probably use those things to hold your beer while watching a football game. But let’s say for the sake of argument it’s later. Things have been good all day and there she is, on top, grinding away, making you feel like the biggest stud in the world. And she has a heart attack and drops dead right on top of you. You know damn well that your final moments or hours will be documented in excruciating detail in the National Enquirer.
“Unable to move or even breathe…Gerry Finkleman died, surrounded by love.”
Men!! Give it up. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with ample boobage. But maybe try a ballerina type now and again. Go for a girl who doesn’t rely on assets that leave you unable to consider the rest of her as a person. Give them a try. Go for it. And don’t worry about the girls you leave behind. Sad and lonely, with tank tops stretched to the point of ripping themselves apart. Because I’ll be there for you, to pick up the pieces you leave behind and to make sure they’re all looked after. I would consider it an obligation, my duty to the world.
“Your car’s faster than mine? Who gives a shit? Check out my girlfriend……”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:05 AM | Comments (1)
February 01, 2006
Florida is an interesting place……but I love it….
I’m sitting here in “Joe’s Crab Shack” in Fort Myers, where my senses are being assaulted by the entire wait staff parading around the room doing the ‘Macarena’ with dancing and all ‘the moves’ in an effort to impress a room full of gummers. It appears to be working. What can I say? Good beer…..annoying song….happy old people. The Macarena was bad when it was good and now, it has been relegated to the musical slag heap of society. Heard only at bad parties and Joe’s Crab Shack where it seems to be a staple on the entertainment lineup. I wish they’d learn something new like, ‘Don’t Cha’ by The Pussycat Dolls. “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me…Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me….don’t cha…..” Now that would shock the gummers into submission. “If you don’t tip us really well, we’ll do the song again and you’ll go straight to hell just for listening.” Oh well. My 33 shrimp plate of fantailed crustacean gluttony is going to arrive soon accompanied by a pound of snow crab. The waitress looked frightened just by my suggesting the order. When she realized I was serious she took a cautious step back. But now as she brings me my third serving of beer in a mug the size of my head she realizes I won’t bite. Well, not her anyway. I think at this point I have become a bit of a curiosity. The other staff are beginning to stare and I’ve fallen in love with two of them.
My dinner is done, plate gone and another beer to come. Another beer to help me contemplate just why the hell I’m here and how I got here.
The day started simply enough. Hop in a vehicle and drive around and see where I end up. As it turned out, I ended up in a hotel by Fort Myers beach and went to bed with a head full of images of the Florida coast. Some beautiful ones. Some not so beautiful ones. But one repeated image that won’t leave my head. Though not particularly ugly, I found it strange to see so many odd looking people wandering around the gates of resorts, the area’s outside rich people’s homes and the beaches with metal detectors. My first impression was one of one of surprise, as I thought the Department of Homeland Security had done a great but overzealous job in training the locals. But then I realized it was just people, wandering around waiting for that “beep” or “buzz” that would get them all excited. The hope of finding one of Paris Hilton’s lost engagement rings rising quickly, only to be dashed by another pull tab from a beer can.
So I’ve decided to have some fun today. I’m going to get a roll of pennies from the front desk as I check out and bury them in the sand or toss them around the rich peoples houses just to mess with the ‘detectors’. I may not be around to see the expressions on their faces as they find yet another penny, but it will be worth it just knowing how much I’ve contributed to their lives.
(more to come….)
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:50 AM | Comments (0)