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November 27, 2005
Paul Martin Visits Me In Vancouver
Vancouver, BC (AP) – Prime Minister Paul Martin was in Vancouver today to visit me before heading off to the Grey Cup Game at BC Place.
Ok, so maybe he wasn’t here just to visit me, but he did. Right here in the lobby of the Fairmont Waterfront Hotel. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t so much a visit as much as it was me restraining myself just enough to not get clubbed senseless by the phalanx of CSIS and RCMP standing around the lobby trying to look inconspicuous and invisible.
They couldn’t have stood out more if they had gone to the wardrobe department at Lions Gate Studios and dressed up as the Praetorian Guard with Roman short swords and lion’s manes draped around their necks. In fact I would have respected that more because then at least I would have bought the honesty card. You know, open, honest intimidation. I respect that. As it was, they were all standing around wearing the same grey pants with black blazers and each had a red lanyard with a name tag to make them look like conventioneers, of which I was one. Except for the curly phone cord with an end stuck in their left ears. SHIT!! If I had known he would have been coming down right then, I would have gotten my own ear phone thingy and stood around the lobby with my shades on just to see what they’d do.
As it was, I figured out the play pretty early and hung out waiting for the big guy to come down from his room. Sure enough, about ten minutes later, he did just that. And then something happened that I was quite unprepared for.
I saw a man.
Not a Prime Minister or a leader of a great nation. I saw a tired looking, lonely guy walking alone through a hotel lobby, with a bunch of people walking around him and guiding him in a way that clearly said, “We don’t care if you are in charge, you are walking where we take you.” It looked no different than a prisoner being escorted to some ugly destiny.
And the one thing that stood out to me was that nobody, nobody at all was recognizing him or talking to him.
So I did.
It was brief, I admit. But it stopped him for a second and he smiled. And all I had to say was:
“Mr. Martin, I hope you enjoy the game sir.”
He did stop for a second, and looked at me and said, “Um, thank you.”
I replied, “It should be a good game. I hope you have fun.”
“Yes,” he said, “Thanks.”
And he turned and walked away, through the big glass doors and into a waiting, highly inconspicuous black sedan with a red light on top, sandwiched between two other black sedans with red lights on top, and off they went to the game.
Now, any of you that have read some of my earlier postings know that I am no fan of Paul Martin, Politician. But I couldn’t do anything other than say something nice to Paul Martin, tired, lonely guy, walking through a hotel lobby, waiting for his government to fall, on the way to a football game.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:47 PM | Comments (0)
November 23, 2005
Hard Work and its Canadian Reward...or….Canada, a nation of suckers
This post is dedicated to all of us who work our asses off and EARN what we have, only to find so often that we are talking with someone who does bugger all and rips off a system paid for by our tax dollars and other people’s efforts.
This post is dedicated to everyone who has had to stomach the diseased mentality that persecutes us for having more than the lazy bum down the road who doesn’t contribute to society other than by polluting it with his or her presence.
This post is dedicated to everyone who knows that the above will happen to them but who press on anyway, determined to be better than the next guy, if only because they can be.
This post is a modern retelling of the classic fable about the Ant and the Grasshopper. And like the fable of old that was filled with simple, realistic and valuable lessons…..so the modern version carries on the tradition.
Enjoy the truth……Canadian style
~ AP
CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he
dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is
warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.
The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with
cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden
with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of
the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special
from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall
Overcome."
Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has
gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer.
The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the
ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a
commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it
on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair
arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by
the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly
set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.
THE END
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:45 PM | Comments (0)
November 17, 2005
Kissing Hank's Ass
This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:
John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl
Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
Use alcohol in moderation.
Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
Eat right.
Hank dictated this list Himself.
The moon is made of green cheese.
Everything Hank says is right.
Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
Don't use alcohol.
Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.
*****************************************************
I didn't write this one. Wish I had. But I won't let personal vanity keep good stuff from you.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)
November 13, 2005
The World of Wonders…… ‘Dyslexic Porn’
Many things come by my way, or maybe it’s just because I keep my eyes open for them. My world is usually enhanced or improved in some way because of the information I have learned.
But sometimes……..sometimes I am left wondering. And sometimes, I just don’t want to know. And so in an effort to share some of these gems with you, I will begin posting them for your consideration and comment.
Let’s start with the tragedy that is Dyslexia. Here is an example of a girl who was on the right track, but riding the wrong train. It’s possible that her learned predilection towards combining the worlds of fine dining and athletic hosiery will snag her a nice guy…..but I’m doubting it. More likely she will find another frustrated and dyslexic guy who asks her to ‘cook his sock’ and after she enthusiastically obliges, they will both sit around wondering what all the big fuss is all about.
It really is so sad.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 11:38 AM | Comments (0)
November 12, 2005
The World of Wonders….. True Love? Or Love for Sale?
I love a good teary love story. A movie that makes you feel good about two people finding that elusive ‘thing’ called true love, because you know it gives you hope for your own life. Or they make you throw your now empty vodka bottle into your television screen as you curse the world that has you now sitting at home alone watching love story movies on a Friday night.
But sometimes it’s just an image of two people that makes you sigh and smile…..or question the very fabric of the universe as you know it.
So it is with this picture below.
Now I am sure that it is possible that these two souls have found peace and contentment. A blending of spirits and wills into one joy filled emotional entity that will live on far after they have departed this earth.
It is also possible that one of them is a prostitute....but wihich one?
~AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 12:40 PM | Comments (0)
November 11, 2005
The World of Wonders....I just Don't Want To Know
Look, I’m a pretty open minded guy. I have a true, ‘live and let live’ kind of attitude and whatever happens between two consenting adults is ok with me. I have my lines I don’t cross, and they have theirs.
And further to this, I think that people should be open minded towards learning about other new possibilities that can enhance their love lives. Sure, you may find something that sounds better than it is when reality sets in, but you shouldn’t stop looking and occasionally trying.
But once in a while, I run across something that leaves me wondering, “Just what the fuck is going on here?” but leaves me quickly switching to, “NO. I actually do not want to know what the fuck is going on here. I want to take drugs or use a staple gun on the back of my hand so that my mind will quickly forget the image and the possibilities it proffers.”
So it is with this picture.
If anyone out there knows what this is all about, please, so long as it doesn’t involve sex, please let us know.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 12:05 PM | Comments (0)