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October 03, 2005
The Dangers of Beer and Oral Hygiene……
Ahhh,,,,the pursuit of oral hygiene and physical beauty. A noble and rewarding cause if ever there was one for domestic man. And I dove right in today. Why? Hey, because as much as I love having some ham fisted ex-prison guard scraping away at my teeth every few years, I think I can do better than Ilsa, “She Wolf” of the dental clinic by becoming a little more personally proactive in my own dental care.
Ergo, a counter full of stuff I didn’t know I needed in my life until I confirmed it with my dentist, Dr. Mengele if I recall right. But I can’t be too sure, as the nitrous oxide canister was tantalizingly close when the hygienist left me alone for a few minutes. So there I was, quizzing him on the best way to maintain clean teeth. He was talking about a ‘Sonic Air’ high tech toothbrush as being the cat’s ass of toothbrushes. I remember telling him that I had no intention of brushing my teeth with a cat’s ass. That was just before the first wave of pain swept through my mouth and down to my toes. “He means business, this one,” I thought to myself and decided not to mention the cat again.
“See Doc, if it’s a matter of brushing longer I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all if I have to turn it into a real ‘Marathon’ session of brushing.”
He said that the Sonic Air toothbrushes were very fast. “Two minutes and you’re done,” he said.
“Two minutes?” I thought. That is fast. And then it hit me, hmmmmmm…. “But Doc,” I said, “Is it safe?” He didn’t get it at first. “Is it safe?” I repeated and begun making high pitched buzzing noises like a dental drill.
He must have realized I was onto him then because I felt something sharp dig into my gums just before he got up and told the hygienist to, “finish up here.” Of course I was in too much pain to complain and just sat there and took it. I got out of the office as quick as I could, but not before discovering that Crest Whitestrips were indeed safe and recommended and that you’re not allowed to sample, borrow or rent the nitrous oxide canister. “Too late,” I cried as I left the office, probably for the last time, hopeful that they would never learn the truth.
So here I was at home, eager to begin my journey towards whiter teeth. With a rather dangerous looking ‘sonic air’ toothbrush handle charging on my counter, I decided to start with my box of Crest Whitestrips.
They sure make it look easy don’t they?
Peel. Apply. Reveal.
What could be easier than that?
I guess with practice, grabbing the edge of a tiny and nearly invisible strip of clear nothing that wants to stick to anything and everything it can on the way to your teeth will become easier. For now, I can say with confidence that I may not have whiter teeth in 14 days, but I sure as hell will have whiter lips.
Now, once you get the things to your teeth, you will discover that the strip will NOT cover all your teeth. And no, it does not stretch. If you try to stretch it, you will soon be trying to remove pieces of caustic plastic that molds to everything it touches from the back recesses of your mouth. I won’t make that mistake a third time. The strip only covers the immediately visible teeth. Fine if you have one of those wimpy half smiles like most of us. But if you smile like Geena Davis, you will have a two tone smile, with non-white chompers in the back. And that’s just the top teeth.
The bottom tooth strip is not shaped the same way as the top strip and frankly, it’s a pain inn the ass to use. I have a terrible time trying to equate its shape with anything related to my mouth.
But with that all said and done, and after much trial and effort, the strips were in place.
And now the problem with beer. Several to be more specific.
In the directions for white strips, it says and I quote:
- Avoid direct contact of the gel with the gums or salivary flow.
- Do not swallow plastic strips or the gel.
- Do not get material in eyes.
- Keep out of the reach of small children.
See, this is all because the active chemical is a peroxide bleach. A caustic chemical that will irritate sensitive skin.
If you have been drinking a few beer before engaging in the battle of the whitening strips, you will probably have get rid of the beer at some point and those very same beer may cause you to focus on one need before considering all the subtleties of what you have just done. Now, I’m not saying that it should say, wash hands before going to the washroom. I’m just saying that maybe it could say something like, “If you wouldn’t put your penis in a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, you should wash your hands right after using Crest Whitening Strips.”
I’m not admitting….I’m just saying.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at October 3, 2005 12:26 AM
Comments
Very kind of you to pass this information on... a bit of a consumer report bulletin. Of course, not that you are sharing any particular personal experience. ;-)
Posted by: kaptaink at October 3, 2005 12:56 PM
Nope. No sharing THAT experience. That experience that didn't happen at all. Because even if it did happen, you wouldn't want to share it with a doctor no matter how much it hurt for two days. AP
Posted by: Anonymous Pundit at January 21, 2006 08:57 AM