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September 02, 2005
My Friend has Stupid Neighbors……
Once in a while you do a favor for a friend and due to things beyond your control, like stupid neighbors, it doesn’t go quite the way you expect.
I was house sitting last night at my friend’s house, looking after his dog and just hanging out trying to do a little web surfing. So what could go wrong? Well, what follows is the text of my house status email to him this morning. It should be self explanatory. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. (me) And his dog is really big.
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Your nieghbors are retarded…..make sure you go to Costco
(email to Dave: September 2, 2005)
Hey Dude
I know you always go to Costco when you’re south of the 49’th and I think this is no time to make an exception. Look for one of those nice Kevlar body suits and a riot helmet with a face plate. Those things can be very handy to have on if your retarded nieghbors decide to get those slingshots.
A bunch of reactionary morons is what they are. And man they seem have a hate on for you now.
I only drank two of your beer so you don’t have to pick any more up on your way home. Funny thing though, after the ‘incident’ with the guys down the road I thought I would need a few more, but such was not the case.
The wireless setup didn’t work. I couldn’t figure it out until I went and looked at all the routers things and saw what was obviously the problem. TOO MANY WIRES. Really, how can you have a wireless network when it is so polluted with wires everywhere. Man…and I thought you knew all about that stuff. So after some serious work with pliers and cutters I am happy to let you know that I have improved your wireless netowork by making it truly wireless. Hey, it’s ok. No need to thank me. Not with money anyway. But get some nail polish remover or acetone while you’re picking up the body armor. It will help with the glue.
My friend, sometimes things don’t work out quite as planned. Having nothing else to do with the ‘wires’ that were part of the wireless network I gently wound them around the limbs and body of the cat. Well, it was gentle at first, but you know how hard it can be to hang onto a voilently thrashing cat, so they got a little tighter until the cat was calm. I used glue to hold the wires in place, leaving your cat looking like a little blue robo-space cat. All that ‘cat’ 5 wire looks real cute but the glue got kinda out of control and so right now your robo cat is literally stuck under a bed somewhere and from what I can tell, the acetone will be best to disolve all that adhesive. But don’t worry, I’m sure it will all work out ok.
Did you know that you live on a rural road where there are more dogs than pick up trucks? That may not have been important before last night but it may be critical in the future. I mean, there I was taking your dog for a walk. A long walk. A real long walk. Jesus, I was ready to start squeezing him like a bagpipe before he finally decided to take a dump. And man, that thing altered the landscape I’ll tell you. It went rolling down the hill into a nieghbor’s yard and set off a truck alarm. I know, I know…big dogs mean big business. But still that was….oh, enough of this scatological screed. But really, that’s where it began. After the hollow thud of that turd hitting the truck and the unexpected alarm sounding, every damn dog decided that ‘WE’ were the enemy. And you know how a dog can be when it get’s an idea in it’s head. “Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark yelp!” Well, rocks help. But that’s when it got too weird. With it sounding like all hell was breaking loose and all the hounds of the Baskerville’s decending on me in the middle of a cold dark road in rurual North Cowichan, as if that wasn’t bad enough, one of the nieghbors catches sight of Fido with his shadow looming large in the cone of light from “the” streetlight, and cries out, “Fido? Is that Fido? Dave, what are you doing out at this time of night?”
Naturally all I could think of was to tell the truth and so I yelled back, “Shutting your fucking dog up!!” as I hurled another rock at the thing and must have caught it in the head because it went yelping off into the darkness, banging into numerous trees and bushes. I think it also hit a car but I can’t be sure. And that fence, man, you’d think a dog would know better than to run at full speed in the darkness when there are wire fences everywhere. I’ll bet it doesn’t make THAT mistake again.
But back to your moron nieghbors. For some reaon he took offense to the truth which surprises me because it was HIS dog that was barking, not yours, so anyway he yells out, “What the fuck did you do that for Dave?” Of course there are moments that pop up when you realize with absolute clarity that looking like somebody else and having other people actually believe you are that person can be truly liberating. The sudden dawning of the knowledge that you can do pretty much whatever the hell you want and never get into trouble is really cool. And without having to go through all the hassle of becoming Prime Minitster either.
So I yelled back, “I fucking felt like it asshole!! Your dog was making too much noise and if you don’t fix that yappy god damned mutt I’ll hit it with two rocks next time!! So shut up and go back beating your ugly wife!!”
Well, I guess he was sensitive about his wife’s appearance because the next thing I knew he started going all mental ape shit and stuff and was screaming about getting out his slingshot for the next time you walk your dog. Jesus Christ man…it’s not my fault if she’s ugly. So I was already loosening my grip on Fido’s leash in case we had to make a run for it when I heard an engine start. So I whipped a couple more rocks into the darkness in the direction of the noise and took off out of there. We got home in no time and turned off all the lights and waited it out. It’s scary to realize you have nieghbors who still use torches at night man. But your house commands the high ground and they were easy targets climbing the driveway. Eventually it all settled down, but not without a whole lot of threats and curses.
So as I was saying, check out the body armor, get some acetone and I would recommend securing the roof and rolling up the windows before you arrive at home in the convertible. Maybe send the little lady over to do the ‘talking’ that will no doubt be required to fix things up between you and those annoying nieghbors. You know they won’t really believe the ‘friend who looks just like me’ story, so I recommend admitting to drunkeness and experimental drugs. At least that they can respect here in the valley.
Oh yeah, I didn’t have time to test the wireless network afterwards so I’ll leave it up to you to let me know how much better it is.
Other than those little things all is well and the house is standing. Well, at least it was before I made a pre-dawn run for freedom. So I hope you’re having a good time and I’ll see you later.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at September 2, 2005 07:50 PM