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July 14, 2005
Nikelax
Zurich (AP) – In what is being hailed as a new standard in co-branding and marketing, Nike Corporation of Bend, Oregon and Novartis International AG of Basel Switzerland, holders of the ‘ExLax’ brand, are pleased to announce the success of their recently launched campaign.
Dr. Daniel Vasella, President and CEO of Novartis was quoted as saying, “With an aging global population, competition in the laxative business has become fierce. I can think of at least fifteen products to ‘speed things up’ right now, and those don’t even need a prescription. So in looking for a partner, we felt that the marriage of Nike Brand, with its appeal and messaging of fitness and well being, would give our product a leg up on the competition. And so far, sales have proven us right. People are no longer hesitant or ashamed to be seen buying something if it has the Nike ‘swoosh’ on it.”
Dr. Vasella was reminded of the previous year’s advertising campaign and was quick to face it head on.
“Last year’s effort at trying to lighten the subject of constipation, though successful in absolute sales, proved to be a mistake. The slogan that centered our campaign, ‘ExLax, not just for spiking hot chocolate’ proved to be very popular. Too popular as it turns out, with several lawsuits still pending. Of course as you know, we are in litigation with our old advertising agency and we are not able to comment further.
“But we have to move forward and we remain excited about the early success of our partnership with Nike. Swoosh….just poo it.”
Nike President and CEO, William Perez, was on hand to comment. “Nike has always been proud to lead instead of follow. And with this new partnership, we are confident that the Nike brand will gain even further exposure with a demographic that may not be in the immediate process of thinking about fitness or making a ten mile run. Hell, most of them simply wish they had the runs at that point. So with Nike co-branding with ExLax there is a clear message that Nike will help you feel better. And Nike would like to remind people that using ExLax for any purpose other than clearing up an unwanted blockage is just not right. Using ExLax as a dietary aid or as a highly effective weight loss supplement to your diet prior to the start of a race is wrong. Even though using Nike brand products to get fit and healthy is good, using ExLax as part of your training diet, as tasty and effective as it may be, is just not something you should do without the approval of your physician. Even though it is reasonably priced and available on the shelf.”
Mr. Perez was also happy to point out the catchy background music that seems to be such a big part of the success. The tune is the same, but the lyrics we re-written to Sheryl Crow’s ‘If it makes you happy’, giving a nice catchy message.
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
As Mr. Perez put it, “That’s really what it’s all about isn’t it?”
~ AP with graphics by 10%
If It Makes You Crappy
- Sheryl & Me
I traveled a long, long way from here
Put on just a poncho, got bit by mosquitoes,
And drank like I’ll never drink again
I ate something from the jungle
It made my stomach tumble, then stopped it up in knots
and it felt like I’d never dump again
Well, o.k. I finally took a shit,
but the ExLax really did the trick, so
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
You get down, real low down
You’re pushing and grunting, you feel the strain
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics to read in the john, but it takes so long
It’s been four hours since you’ve been gone
Well, o.k. it felt like you dropped a 10 pound stone,
but the ExLax finally got you home
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
We've been far, far away from here
Ate four pounds of cheese but we don’t fear
Raw red meat and undercooked beans
Well, o.k. we still get along,
Taking our ExLax and singing this song,
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at July 14, 2005 02:51 PM