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July 15, 2005
Novartis profits up…..July 14, 2005
ZURICH, Switzerland (Reuters) -- Net profit at Swiss drugmaker Novartis rose 9 percent in the second quarter, it said on Thursday, beating expectations….
Shares in Novartis were trading 1.2 percent higher at 61.75 Swiss francs by 0727 GMT, leading the Swiss Market Index into positive territory. Cross-town rival Roche was trading down 0.4 percent as investors switched into Novartis.
Group net profit rose 9 percent to $1.65 billion in the second quarter, which compared with an average forecast of $1.59 billion given by analysts in a Reuters poll.
Just thought you’d like to know.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 09:11 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2005
Nikelax
Zurich (AP) – In what is being hailed as a new standard in co-branding and marketing, Nike Corporation of Bend, Oregon and Novartis International AG of Basel Switzerland, holders of the ‘ExLax’ brand, are pleased to announce the success of their recently launched campaign.
Dr. Daniel Vasella, President and CEO of Novartis was quoted as saying, “With an aging global population, competition in the laxative business has become fierce. I can think of at least fifteen products to ‘speed things up’ right now, and those don’t even need a prescription. So in looking for a partner, we felt that the marriage of Nike Brand, with its appeal and messaging of fitness and well being, would give our product a leg up on the competition. And so far, sales have proven us right. People are no longer hesitant or ashamed to be seen buying something if it has the Nike ‘swoosh’ on it.”
Dr. Vasella was reminded of the previous year’s advertising campaign and was quick to face it head on.
“Last year’s effort at trying to lighten the subject of constipation, though successful in absolute sales, proved to be a mistake. The slogan that centered our campaign, ‘ExLax, not just for spiking hot chocolate’ proved to be very popular. Too popular as it turns out, with several lawsuits still pending. Of course as you know, we are in litigation with our old advertising agency and we are not able to comment further.
“But we have to move forward and we remain excited about the early success of our partnership with Nike. Swoosh….just poo it.”
Nike President and CEO, William Perez, was on hand to comment. “Nike has always been proud to lead instead of follow. And with this new partnership, we are confident that the Nike brand will gain even further exposure with a demographic that may not be in the immediate process of thinking about fitness or making a ten mile run. Hell, most of them simply wish they had the runs at that point. So with Nike co-branding with ExLax there is a clear message that Nike will help you feel better. And Nike would like to remind people that using ExLax for any purpose other than clearing up an unwanted blockage is just not right. Using ExLax as a dietary aid or as a highly effective weight loss supplement to your diet prior to the start of a race is wrong. Even though using Nike brand products to get fit and healthy is good, using ExLax as part of your training diet, as tasty and effective as it may be, is just not something you should do without the approval of your physician. Even though it is reasonably priced and available on the shelf.”
Mr. Perez was also happy to point out the catchy background music that seems to be such a big part of the success. The tune is the same, but the lyrics we re-written to Sheryl Crow’s ‘If it makes you happy’, giving a nice catchy message.
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
As Mr. Perez put it, “That’s really what it’s all about isn’t it?”
~ AP with graphics by 10%
If It Makes You Crappy
- Sheryl & Me
I traveled a long, long way from here
Put on just a poncho, got bit by mosquitoes,
And drank like I’ll never drink again
I ate something from the jungle
It made my stomach tumble, then stopped it up in knots
and it felt like I’d never dump again
Well, o.k. I finally took a shit,
but the ExLax really did the trick, so
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
You get down, real low down
You’re pushing and grunting, you feel the strain
Well who hasn't been there before?
I come round, around the hard way
Bring you comics to read in the john, but it takes so long
It’s been four hours since you’ve been gone
Well, o.k. it felt like you dropped a 10 pound stone,
but the ExLax finally got you home
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
We've been far, far away from here
Ate four pounds of cheese but we don’t fear
Raw red meat and undercooked beans
Well, o.k. we still get along,
Taking our ExLax and singing this song,
If it makes you crappy
It can't be that bad
If it makes you crappy
Then why the hell should you feel… so bad
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:51 PM | Comments (0)
July 03, 2005
Live 8 is done…thankfully…
Yes, the global experience that proved once again that the ego of a washed up, one hit wonder of an otherwise inconsequential Irishman can take center stage in a world where important stuff actually happens. But his ego will prevent him from ever realizing that his pathetic little shows are nothing more than a modern ‘opiate for the masses’. A pseudo religious experience, where by merely watching, the people can fool themselves into feeling like they’ve actually done something of value.
And don’t forget the performers who used the opportunity of a global telecast to promote their music.
Oh yeah, and to help, “make poverty history.”
I liked the way Bono put it, “We’re not lookin’ fer charity…we’re lookin’ fer justice.”
Yeah right.
Earth to Bono….you are, in fact, looking for charity. Asking the leaders of the G 8 to double relief to Africa is asking for more money which is, last time I checked, CHARITY!!! Charity on the backs of our middle class and poor who ultimately pay the price of foreign aid. Asshole.
But let’s pretend that this wasn’t about politics and rock star egos. Let’s pretend it was about the music. Music for the people.
It all started in Tokyo when the Live 8 global experience was opened by Bjork. What is Bjork anyway? Her name sounds like wet burp. We know she’s from Iceland. Apparently she’s a star there, which only reinforces my belief that they use lead pipes in their stills.
Bob Geldof was surprised and disappointed that only half the venue filled in Tokyo, even though it was FREE. Bob!! Bob you idiot. You gave them Bjork. Her performance made Yoko Ono look good, really good by comparison. Anyone who saw it hated Bjork….repeatedly. The French got Shakira for Chrisakes!! The Japs got Bjork which in this context sounds like a genital skin condition. They were insulted and are going to hate the west for years to come. All of our consumer electronics are going to skyrocket in price because of Bob Geldof. You’ll see.
Yes, the Paris show featured Latin superstar Shakira, who once again stirred all the male hormones of the planet with the ease of a shimmy of her wonderful hips. She writes, sings and performs in two languages and has more ‘heat’ than J-Lo will ever know. Whereas nobody is really sure what language Bjork sings in, if any. Maybe she’s just channeling whale song relayed back from ‘the space people’ of Dalek 9. Whatever, Shakira rocked and Japan sucked. Is it just me, or does Bjork look like Michael Jackson?
Berlin was interesting. The show there seemed to highlight once again why there are no famous German bands. The highlight, if you can call it that, was a band called: ‘Die Toten Hosen’. Which translates quite accurately to; ‘The Dead Trousers.’ Now, maybe they meant ‘The Dead Panties’ or ‘The Dead Underwear’, but neither of these seems like much of an improvement…so trousers it shall remain.
They did a very loud and unpleasant cover version of ‘Hang on Sloopy,’ the 1965 hit by ‘The McCoys.’ Fuck. No wonder they invade their neighbors every few years. Dying on the fields of battle must be way more pleasant than going to a German dance club.
“Hans, why are you putting on that heavy uniform?”
“Because Grettle wants me to take her dancing. It’s either that or march on Volgograd in the dead of winter.”
“And so?”
“So I’m warming up the tank.”
The Philadelphia show had the Black Eyed Peas, and they had to be good. The band has really rocked since that rock hottie, Fergie, joined the group.
The rest of the shows had old names and wannabe’s and when all is said and done, gave Sir Bob his moment in the sun. Again. But he’s not alone. We saw Brad (who really isn’t going out with Angelina Jolie….really!!) Pitt getting out front to loan his support prior to going home and not having sex with Angelina Jolie, who he’s not going out with at all. And of course winging his way up to Scotland is George Clooney to make sure the message is delivered with all the weight he can bring to bear on the leaders of the G 8 and their wives.
Me, I’m glad it’s all over. Now we can all get back to our normal way of life and doing things they way they have always been done. “We don’t want your justice, we want your money.” Because all those despotic bastards who run the African countries know what Sir Bob Geldof really knows but won’t admit, that with enough money, you can have all the justice you want.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 10:23 PM | Comments (0)
July 02, 2005
George Clooney To End World Poverty!!!!
The ‘Ocean’s Twelve’ star has reportedly arranged to meet world leaders to discuss world poverty after his friend Brad ‘Mr. Jolie’ Pitt urged him to do so.
“I am going to Scotland to the G8 summit,” revealed George.
“We’re working on the Make Poverty History campaign to try to get members of G8 to throw a little more money towards Africa.”
Holy Shit!! It's staggering to realize how simple it was. All we needed was George.
After all the Popes and all the leaders of the world and all the Nobel Laureates and the United Nations and the global organizations have failed, along will come George to save all the poor people of the world. And here’s how he will do it:
After flying very first class in a large airliner or private plane and consuming enough food and fine wine by way of cost to feed an entire African village for a year, George will ask the leaders of the world to TAX ALL OF US even more than before so we can send even more money into the black holes of Africa where corrupt officials will divert all or most of the funds to their private accounts in Switzerland, just prior to emigrating to Scarsdale or Miami Beach.
The sexy star who is also trying to arrange a one-to-one meeting with Britain’s Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said he regretted taking so long to get involved in the cause. Probably because he was too busy making his last movie and being personally paid more than the gross national product of Zambia. I guess it must really suck to be George and suddenly realize how little time he has to save the world.
Now I’m not sure exactly what Tony and George are going to talk about, but I have a feeling that it won’t amount to much. What George will learn, is that the main reason he will be allowed into the summit, is so that he can spend time with the wives of the world leaders, getting them all hot and bothered and horny so that they will go back to their otherwise dour mates and have sex with them while fantasizing about George. That’ll be fine for Barbara Bush, bucking and thrashing on top of George W., riding him like a good Texas cowgirl and screaming, “Yes George! Yes!” The others may want to be quieter about it….or not. Word has it Lyudmila Putin likes to tease Vladimir about her ‘secret lovers’. Apparently the ex KGB chief has taught her a few things about bondage and torture.
So go for it George. Make us all proud. Show us how you can do what nobody else can. Because after all, you are eminently qualified, being, like, a movie star and everything.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 05:18 PM | Comments (0)