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May 27, 2005
Viagra Causes Blindness!! Vatican Ecstatic!!
Vatican City (AP) – Recent reports have been surfacing about blindness in some men using Viagra and Cialis and these reports have begun quite a stir. In the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI was reportedly seen dancing about the Sistine Chapel crying, “Vindication!! Praise be to God… Vindication for the church!”
Vatican spokesperson, Cardinal Vitalio Spumoni explained as follows, “For many, many years now, the church has been warning young men about the evils of self pleasure. On countless occasions the young men in the parishes around the world have been warned about going blind if they ‘spank the monkey’ and spill their seed upon the ground. And now, now we have proof. The Church of the Holy Father considers these findings to be of great benefit to the faith.”
Obviously the notion of using Viagra while in the company of a ‘partner’ has escaped the newly elected Pope.
The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C is still investigating however, but has no evidence yet that the drug is to blame, said spokeswoman Susan Cruzan.
The type of blindness involved can occur in men who are diabetic or have heart disease, the same conditions that can cause impotence and thus lead to Viagra use.
Although the number of cases reported is small, 38 among Viagra users and 4 among Cialis users, the FDA is still taking the reports very seriously.
Penny Lancaster, who heads up the Operational Testing branch of the FDA told an audience at a recent AMA meeting, “Initially we were looking for increases in instances of Acute HPS (Hirsute Palm Syndrome) among Viagra (sildenafil citrate) users. After exhaustive testing that involved the use of over 500 tubes of KY jelly, we were not able to establish a link between sildenafil citrate use and ‘hairy palms’. But, we did establish a link between an increase in cortisone use and Viagra. There was astonishing growth in the condition best known as ‘tennis elbow’.”
Ms. Lancaster went on to say, “It was kind of sad actually, so many cute guys who were scared to shake hands because of the pain. But, like, who would want to shake hands with them anyway?”
But what may be of most concern to the manufacturers of Viagra and Cialis, are the other symptoms that have been documented. Even Pfizer’s website lists the following: “…less common are bluish or blurred vision and or and increased sensitivity to light. These may occur for a short time.”
Cardinal Spumoni of the Vatican was quick to comment, “It’s obvious. These drugs are the tools of Satan himself and a link to the world of the undead. The described symptoms are the very conditions of being a vampire!! And the ‘short period of time’ is obviously a referral to the full moon. As you might imagine, the Catholic Church is very concerned about this.”
When asked if the Church had any plans to deal with the situation, Cardinal Spumoni replied, “Plans are already underway. We’re expecting a run on silver crosses in our gift shop this year. Only €57 Euros. The crosses will be inscribed with ‘protect yourself from the Viagra Vampires’. They’re very nice.”
When asked for a final comment, Pfizer made several suggestions:
1) Never use Viagra alone
2) Never use more than one Viagra at a time
3) Report a distaste for garlic to your medical provider
4) Avoid anybody named Van Helsing
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at May 27, 2005 06:19 PM