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May 15, 2005
Room For Improvement in Surrey
Surrey, British Columbia (AP) - Headlines in the ‘Vancouver Province’ today outline a major social problem in the lower mainland area of greater Vancouver, highlighted by the recent shooting of an Indo-Canadian man who, “Died in a hail of bullets.”
“The death of the man brings to 86 the number of Indo-Canadians killed in last 12 years of violence.”
Shock and outrage have gripped the lower mainland as the community comes to terms with the problem. When interviewed about the latest act of violence, Surrey’s Mayor said, “I can speak for the entire council when I say that we are deeply concerned about the situation. Improvements simply have to be made.”
When questioned further he explained, “Things just aren’t going the way they should on the streets. You would think that after 12 years there would be way more than 86 dead Indo-Canadian gang members. These morons can’t shoot straight enough to do a good job on each other. How many times have you heard news reports about ‘shots fired’ without a follow up story on how many bodies were found? I think the RCMP should give them shooting lessons and safe firearm handling instruction to prevent innocent bystanders from being hit by stray gunfire. Of course, finding an 'innocent' bystander in Surrey is getting harder and harder with each passing day.”
RCMP spokesperson Cpl. Yvette Tremblay told a news conference that the recent murder was related to ‘drug or gang activity.’ When asked about the possibility of training the gang members to do a better job of shooting each other her reply was quick, “That’s an absurd idea. Train these people to be more dangerous than they are? It would turn into a bloodbath with shootings every night till there’s only one or two left!! Then they would probably move into the Burnaby area and start it up with those Vietnamese gang members who love nothing better than to empty the clips of their machine guns into whatever restaurant is convenient at the time. Is that what we want? Dead drug dealers all over town?.......wait a minute…..I have to go now.”
Cpl. Tremblay was last seen leaving the news conference and saying something about ‘great ideas’ while talking on her police radio.
Local shopkeeper, Mahmood Aboor expressed confusion about the problem in Surrey.
“They insist on wearing those Kirpan daggers everywhere as a symbol of who they are. Even to school. Don’t they realize that those daggers are for stabbing each other? Why don’t they just do that more often and save the cost of bullets?”
Surrey Public Works employee, Danny Zimmerman had a different view.
“Me, I’m just grateful whenever they pump a few bullets into each other. My job is ‘special clean ups’ and that includes these crime scenes. There’s a lot of glass and metal fragments everywhere. Not to mention the blood that has to be cleaned up. You get to one of those scenes and you immediately know it’s a bad one because people are slipping and sliding all over the place. It creates a terrible traffic hazard for other drivers. But I don’t mind. They usually happen late at night and that’s straight overtime for me. A good shooting can mean a weekend in Vegas if it’s messy enough.”
After speaking with numerous citizens in the lower mainland there appears to be a general consensus. Pretty much everybody is hoping that Danny Zimmerman can go to Vegas for a month. As they all put it, “The sooner the better.”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at May 15, 2005 07:11 PM