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May 30, 2005
Stupidity on the rise in Vancouver City Council….
In a typical knee jerk reaction by a typical knee jerk politician, Vancouver City Councillor Anne Roberts wants to slash speed limits to 40 kph in the wake of the city’s seventh pedestrian death of the year. “When seven pedestrians are killed, something’s wrong,” Roberts was quoted in the ‘Province’.
No fucking kidding Anne. It’s called stupid pedestrians following the law. The law of natural selection.
The last death, on Thursday, happened when a large recycling truck, heading north on Seymour, a downtown street, turned left (west) on to Robson Street and hit a woman as she walked through the crosswalk.
Now folks, it is tragic that a person is dead. But it has little or nothing to do with speed limits. Has anybody out there ever seen a ‘recycling truck’ trying to move at the speed of sound? Especially when trying to turn its bulky mass on a corner? No. I didn’t think so. I may not be an Olympic sprinting champion, but I can tell you this, that truck couldn’t hit me if it tried. No way in hell.
Unless…..
Unless I was too stupid to pay attention to my surroundings and accept a little personal responsibility for what happens in my life. Like watching out for large moving vehicles while crossing a street.
I can see how a person could be killed by out of control street racers. That does happen. But when a person can’t even notice a slow moving and somewhat loud vehicle the size of a mid town condominium and allows themselves to get whacked by the damn thing, well, if it wasn’t that truck it would have been another.
I would suggest that a better solution would be to warn people against things like typing in a text message on your cell phone while listening to your iPod while dodging Starbuck’s locations in the downtown area. That would make sense.
Lowering the speed limit will only frustrate the drivers and lull the pedestrians into a deeper state of self deluded safety. In turn they will pay even less attention to what they are doing and even more will die. I guarantee it. Anne Roberts is stupid as hell because she doesn’t examine facts. Lowering the speed limit from 50 to 40 kph would not have saved that woman for the simple fact that the truck was not, in fact could not have been going 50 kph around the corner or it would have tipped over or run off the road. The truck was likely going 10 kph, tops. The problem here was not the speed limit.
If you lowered the speed limit to zero, people would still manage to hit vehicles because they would, on occasion, walk into them while they sit there. We’ve all seen people walk into things like light posts, doors and even delivery trucks while not paying attention to what they are doing. It’s not the speed Anne, it’s the people.
The difficulty here is that you can’t legislate against stupidity and carelessness and you can not, indeed must not, bring down society to its lowest common denominator to protect itself from itself. We must take responsibility for ourselves and sometimes we have to let the weak die off. I’m not saying cull the herd, but we need to reward and promote intelligence and strength. Otherwise we will all end up in the shallow end of the gene pool. And as anyone who has been to a public pool knows, that’s where the retards splash around and the kids pee. And that’s not where I want to swim.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:52 AM | Comments (0)
May 27, 2005
Viagra Causes Blindness!! Vatican Ecstatic!!
Vatican City (AP) – Recent reports have been surfacing about blindness in some men using Viagra and Cialis and these reports have begun quite a stir. In the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI was reportedly seen dancing about the Sistine Chapel crying, “Vindication!! Praise be to God… Vindication for the church!”
Vatican spokesperson, Cardinal Vitalio Spumoni explained as follows, “For many, many years now, the church has been warning young men about the evils of self pleasure. On countless occasions the young men in the parishes around the world have been warned about going blind if they ‘spank the monkey’ and spill their seed upon the ground. And now, now we have proof. The Church of the Holy Father considers these findings to be of great benefit to the faith.”
Obviously the notion of using Viagra while in the company of a ‘partner’ has escaped the newly elected Pope.
The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C is still investigating however, but has no evidence yet that the drug is to blame, said spokeswoman Susan Cruzan.
The type of blindness involved can occur in men who are diabetic or have heart disease, the same conditions that can cause impotence and thus lead to Viagra use.
Although the number of cases reported is small, 38 among Viagra users and 4 among Cialis users, the FDA is still taking the reports very seriously.
Penny Lancaster, who heads up the Operational Testing branch of the FDA told an audience at a recent AMA meeting, “Initially we were looking for increases in instances of Acute HPS (Hirsute Palm Syndrome) among Viagra (sildenafil citrate) users. After exhaustive testing that involved the use of over 500 tubes of KY jelly, we were not able to establish a link between sildenafil citrate use and ‘hairy palms’. But, we did establish a link between an increase in cortisone use and Viagra. There was astonishing growth in the condition best known as ‘tennis elbow’.”
Ms. Lancaster went on to say, “It was kind of sad actually, so many cute guys who were scared to shake hands because of the pain. But, like, who would want to shake hands with them anyway?”
But what may be of most concern to the manufacturers of Viagra and Cialis, are the other symptoms that have been documented. Even Pfizer’s website lists the following: “…less common are bluish or blurred vision and or and increased sensitivity to light. These may occur for a short time.”
Cardinal Spumoni of the Vatican was quick to comment, “It’s obvious. These drugs are the tools of Satan himself and a link to the world of the undead. The described symptoms are the very conditions of being a vampire!! And the ‘short period of time’ is obviously a referral to the full moon. As you might imagine, the Catholic Church is very concerned about this.”
When asked if the Church had any plans to deal with the situation, Cardinal Spumoni replied, “Plans are already underway. We’re expecting a run on silver crosses in our gift shop this year. Only €57 Euros. The crosses will be inscribed with ‘protect yourself from the Viagra Vampires’. They’re very nice.”
When asked for a final comment, Pfizer made several suggestions:
1) Never use Viagra alone
2) Never use more than one Viagra at a time
3) Report a distaste for garlic to your medical provider
4) Avoid anybody named Van Helsing
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:19 PM | Comments (0)
May 25, 2005
Paris Hilton and Hamburger Porn…..
New York (AP) – “The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Protect your children! The world needs to be made safe from Paris Hilton and her hamburger porn,” or so you would be lead to believe if you listen to that dithering moron, Melissa Caldwell, the research director and spokesperson for the Parents Television Council in the United States.
She is referring to the new commercial being run by the hamburger chain, Carl’s Jr. even though the commercial airs primarily during late evening sports programs and shows like “Desperate Housewives” and “The O.C.”
The ad features Paris Hilton wearing a tight fitting one piece bathing suit, washing a Bentley and then chowing down on the new “Spicy BBQ Burger.” The tag line being, “That's Hot.” The ad has been running on major networks since last week and has drawn the ire of television watchdogs like the PTC (Parents Television Council).
“This commercial is basically soft core porn,” said Caldwell, “the way she moves, the way she puts her finger in her mouth – it’s very suggestive and very titillating.” (It sounds to me like Ms. Caldwell has a thing for tall skinny blondes.)
To the credit of Carl’s Jr., their message to the PTC is basically to “get a life,” as stated by Andy Puzder, CEO of Carl’s Jr. And good for them.
Carl’s Jr. created a website just for the add, and it can be viewed at:
Now, it seems that there must be something better that people can do with their time than criticize hamburger commercials. Really. I can’t honestly say that watching a girl in a black bathing suit wash a car and then bite into a burger approximately the size of her head, makes me want to go buy a burger. A beer maybe, a burger, well, not till now anyway. But I will if I ever go to Carl’s Jr., just as a way of giving the ‘finger’ to the fascist watchdogs of the world.
But the underlying story here, the one that nobody but I seem to be reporting on, is the exposing of the dark and depraved side of the people who make up the PTC. Think about this:
If they consider the hamburger porn commercial to be ‘soft core porn,’ I am wondering just what it is they consider ‘hard core’ to be? Hmmmm….? What does it say about what they must do with their hamburgers? All Paris Hilton did was eat her burger. Do you think that maybe when Melissa Caldwell goes home with a bag of burgers that maybe she and her ‘partner of indeterminate sexual orientation’ take those burgers and….. I know…. it’s too disturbing and depraved to even think about let alone write about. All I can say is that it is possible that someone in those circumstances might actually be heard to say, “Whoa, if those aren’t pickles, you need to see a doctor immediately.”
And to think they are protecting us from indecency. What is this world coming too?
And so in an effort to thumb my nose at those who would force their own conformity upon the rest of us, I offer here for your viewing pleasure, a Paris Hilton picture. It is full frontal and there is not a stitch of clothing in sight. View image
I hope you enjoy it. Because this is the world on my terms.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:17 PM | Comments (2)
May 24, 2005
Motorists fume over bad gas….
Vancouver (AP) - Its right there on the front page of the ‘Province’ newspaper today. An angry, scowly little man in front of his nice, new and rather expensive 2005 Toyota Sienna mini-van. His name is Thomas Kong.
The reason he’s so angry is simply this (and it’s a good reason too), he filled up his van across the border in Point Roberts and Blaine, Washington. And as the paper put it, “scores of other BC drivers too.”
It seems that there was some bad gas across the border from a ConocoPhillips gas refinery, and the bad gas caused damage to the vehicles. Some like ‘Angry’ Tommy paid as much as $1,200 dollars to have their vehicles repaired. And they’re hopping mad.
I think what happened is rotten, terrible and beneath contempt. And it has been going on for ages.
How’s that? Bad gas for ages?
No…..not that. What I’m referring to are the cheap scum buckets like Tommy who go across the border to fill up on a regular basis. He didn’t get half as bad as he deserved. He and all the others too.
Look, it’s a rotten deal if you were on vacation or traveling on business and happen to fill up once in a rare while before returning to Canada. But this whiny little sack of shit does it all the time. He and ‘scores’ of others just like him. Well FUCK him and FUCK them too!!! They want to drive on Canadian roads that are paid for by tax dollars raised in part by the taxes on CANADIAN gasoline sales but they don’t want to pay the taxes here. In order to save maybe, $7.00 on a tank of gas, they go across the border and support our neighbors to the south. And support their roads with the taxes on their gasoline.
Well, good for them. I bear the people of Washington State no ill will. We’re the suckers here for tolerating it. But I would like to see Tommy Kong and people like him dragged from their homes and pistol whipped on their front yards in front of their family and neighbors, just out of principle. Because of cheap sons of bitches like Tommy, we all have to pay more tax on our gasoline to pay for the roads he drives on tax free.
In the closing picture of the story, we again see an angry Tommy Kong holding a clogged fuel filter component and looking like he figures the world owes him something. Here’s the deal Tommy….it doesn’t. Next time somebody dies at an intersection that needed repairs but the funding wasn’t there yet, I want you to think about your cheap ass lack of support for our roads and shove that component so far up your ass that you die a horrible and very painful death. Twice. You deserve no less.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:43 PM
Canadians Ready To Eat Their Young….. “Make the fattys pay!!”
Toronto, ON (AP) - The results of the latest provincial election in BC would have you believe that the old image of British Columbians as a whole is back. The return of the NDP and the strong showing, the best in Canada I must add, of the Green Party, would reinforce the belief that British Columbians are a kinder and gentler folk with a heightened sense of social responsibility than their neighbors.
As a matter of fact, that opinion of Canadians as a whole is held by many around the world. This is after all, the home of the ‘Canada Health Act’ and that crusader for socialized medicine, Tommy Douglas.
But a recent Ipsos Reid poll shows that Canadians are getting more concerned about the future of their medical system and furthermore, how it will affect them personally. In short, it will become a battle of the fittest. Literally. We are ready to eat our young.
For the ‘Canada Health Act’, health plans and social medicine as a whole to work, the long standing belief is that there must be equality in all respects. Nobody pays more than the other guy and nobody jumps ahead in line. Forget the fact that Prime Ministers go off to the Mayo Clinic for MRI’s and Cat-scans at the drop of a hat and skip the queues populated by normal folk. We need equality for the system to work. But now, Canadians are turning more and more upon those they see as a drain on the system and are willing to see them pay more for medical services and health costs.
And who are the drain on the system? Well, as the survey points out and in the words of the majority of the citizenry; “…people who smoke, don’t exercise or are seriously overweight.”
The survey also points shows that 63% of the people surveyed believe the government should provide tax credits or deductions for gym memberships or recreational fees to encourage healthy choices. For the record, I’m good with that idea.
So whether it is getting money back for being slim and healthy or charging more for being fat and lazy, the count is in and the jury rules. “Make the fattys pay!!”
“….especially if they smoke.”
“Yeah. Especially then. And especially if they stock the double-wide with Pepsi and Pringles so they don’t have to get up when Jerry Springer is on.”
“Like totally. Especially then too. That’s like soooo gross.”
“And maybe there should be like, an extra tax on spandex and stretch pants at Wal-Mart, because, like, only chunky chicks wear those.”
“Eeewww….I know. But what does that have to do with the medical system?”
“I dunno. But I feel sick when I see them.”
“Ok…that makes sense. Let’s tax them. I need another latte.”
“Me too. Waiter! Two double shot decaf no fat latte’s please!”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:15 PM | Comments (0)
May 23, 2005
Dad, should I dump my girlfriend for using my razor? (Part 3)
Or
Move over Doc Johson, Here comes Doc Gillette
*** READ PARTS ONE & TWO FIRST ***
The product I’m referring to is the new “M3 Power” Razor by Gillette which I have been using for about two months now and the very recently released, “Venus Vibrance” which is the feminized version.
I know, I know. How does he go from pubic hair to razors? Bare with me.
Every once in a while a new product comes along that sets a new standard so much higher that the rest, that you have to take note. This is one of those. Simply put, it is the best razor in the world. But you have to get through the product hype to understand how they actually work.
Hype for the ‘M3’ says that electrical impulses raise the hairs on your face allowing the closest shave ever. The ‘Venus Vibrance’ hype claims that it gently exfoliates to instantly reveal more radiant skin. Both claims are half truths. Here’s how it actually works.
The razor works with a small AAA battery that powers a small spinning shaft with a slightly off balance weight. It runs very quietly and discreetly. This effect causes very small and intense vibrations in the razor itself, eliminating the need for multiple strokes across your face or, um, whatever. And it really works. Very well. Just ask my girlfriend who has been in the bath for nearly two hours now and from the sounds of things is having another incredible shave. Yep. There she goes again. Just shaving and shaving. I find it odd because I never noticed enough hair to justify the time. I guess she’s just meticulous. Seems like she’s searching for something else to shave. Sometimes she even borrows my razor for a day or two in case she has to shave during the day. Strange girl.
So as I say, ignore the hype. It just sounds better than the technical truth. Let’s face it, how well would this sell: “The new M3 Power from Gillette. It vibrates so you don’t have to.” Nah….stick with the electrical impulses and radiant skin.
So how does all of this relate to the dream? I’ve thought about it and it’s like this:
My son is actually just 11 years old. And his will be the first generation of young men who will grow up in an age where feminine pubic hair is, from a style perspective, frowned upon in its natural state. And I say, good for him. Pubes are definitely a case where less is more.
Eons ago when we were thumping around the forests and sleeping in caves, a thick luxuriant mass of oily hair probably served a valuable purpose, keeping out nasty little crawly things and providing, perhaps, some warmth.
But now, especially with today’s styles and social hygiene, why keep that stuff around? It’s just plain nasty. If you can keep your dinner down, picture a 60’s style bush creeping out from under, over and around today’s delightful undies or bikinis. Yeah….uck! uck! It looks bad and at the risk of seeming indiscreet, it gets in the way. I’ve checked with the American Dental association as well as its Canadian counterpart, and there is not one single dentist or oral hygienist who will tell you that it’s a good idea to floss and eat at the same time. Not one.
Then there’s the hairy legged hippie set who will tell you that it’s natural so it must be best to leave it. So are wisdom teeth and warts and numerous other unpleasant side effects of being human. Should we leave all of those alone too?
Some decry, “We’ll all look like we’re twelve years old.”
No you won’t.
Along with the fuzz come things like hips and the other parts that define your femininity. Hair does not. If it did, then men would chase dumb hairy creatures instead of just acting like them. If it moves in the wind, it’s too long.
When it comes to hair down there, have fun with it. It doesn’t have to go completely. In fact a cute little directional landing strip can be fun. And with the ‘M3’ or ‘Vibrance’ razors hitting the market, it will be easier and more pleasant than ever to do so. I am predicting a world with less and less of the stuff. As I said, just ask my…oh, there she goes again. 
And lest you think that this is a one sided thing, don’t be too quick to judge.
Guy’s, think #2 setting and do what you should. Really, it’s for the best. Get rid of that mess. Besides, it will look bigger. (That ought to do it.)
Damn!! Now there’s a great product that doesn’t exist. “The new Gillette Male Hair Trimmer…..it will look bigger in just five minutes!!”
It’ll sell millions……..
On behalf of my son and all the other grateful guys out there, “Thanks Gillette!!”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 06:59 AM | Comments (0)
May 22, 2005
Dad, should I dump my girlfriend for using my razor? (Part 2)
*** READ PART ONE FIRST ***
The solution, though cruel and unforgivably harsh, was required. You see, my son could only appreciate the world through the limited vision of his own eyes and experiences. He needed me to see beyond his limited scope and avoid a terrible mistake.
He came running out of the living room, “Dad…they’re killing poodles with their thighs!! Why are the girls killing those poor little puppies?”
“They’re not killing poodles with their thighs Nick,” I said in as calm and serious a way as I could, “that is called pubic hair. That,” I went on, “is what Julie is using your razor for. She is preventing that from happening to her so that you will never have to see her that way.”
“Oh Dad,” he sniffed, “I had no idea. I really didn’t.”
“I know Nick…I know. Here, take this and go.”
I gave the boy $40 and told him to go and buy her a razor of her own, extra blades and shaving gel. And I added in parting, “and if she runs out and uses yours again, just take the pain and smile.”
As the door shut behind him the oven alarm buzzer for the pizzas went off. “But what about the steak?” I thought as the alarm went off again and the female cast of ‘Desperate Housewives’ came out of my bathroom, having just showered and started to drop their towels and….
DAMMIT!! I woke up, and turned off the alarm. In a small part of my brain I knew it was too good to be true.
In my dream, what I had done in those five minutes was dig around for an old 70’s film that featured numerous naked girls in a college gym shower. It did the trick of course. It showed my son what things were like not so long ago.
But what caused the dream in the first place? What could have made me dream something like that?
It was simply this: A new product so good, it inspires awe and obviously, dreams.
~ AP
...to be continued...
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:18 PM | Comments (0)
May 21, 2005
Dad, should I dump my girlfriend for using my razor? (Part 1)
It was a Monday night and my son dropped in unexpectedly around dinner time. He seemed kinda down, so I tossed an extra steak on for him and figured we’d talk later. The football game was on after all, so halftime seemed as good a time as any to deal with his problems.
The Raiders were getting soundly thrashed, an unfortunate circumstance of late, and when the halftime gun sounded they were down 24 = 10 to the god damned Jet’s. Life sucked so I figured this was as good a time as any to talk with the boy.
“Hey Nick, why so glum?”
“It’s me and Julie dad, we’re having some problems.”
At 19, Julie was one year his junior. She looked like a cross between Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera, with a little Jessica Alba and Gwen Steffani thrown in for added effect. In other words, Nick was one lucky little son of a bitch (no offense to his mother). They had been going out for about a year now and I was curious and eager to help. And besides that, she was smart as a whip, good at video games and they got along great.
“Don’t mean to pry Nick, but what sort of problems do you mean?”
“I don’t know if I can talk about it dad,” was his reply.
“Dude,” I said, “I’ve been around a little longer than you have and chances are I’ve seen it, done it or dealt with it before. She seems like a nice girl and if taking the time to discuss it with your old man is all it takes to fix things, well, it’s probably worth it.”
“Dad, it’s like, really weird y’know. I ask her not to do some things, and she goes right ahead and does them anyway. It’s like she has no respect for me or something.”
“Ok. You’ve like, totally told me nothing. I need a little more to go on.” I was trying to sound cool.
“Dad, she, um, uses my razor even though I ask her not to, ok.”
Man, it sucked to hear that. He was onto something important and he needed some reassurance.
“Aww Nick, I know how it can be when they shave their legs and then you go to use the same razor on your face. It can be like ripping your hairs out one by one. I’m sorry to heat that. You really have to find a way to let her know how important this is.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not just her legs dad.”
“Oh buddy, those armpits can be so gross. She’s just going to have to stop.”
He hesitated for a second and went on, “It’s not just her armpits either.”
Ok. So maybe I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but the light finally turned on and I understood what he was getting at. My son had a problem indeed. But it wasn’t with his girlfriend. I knew that immediate and drastic action was needed to help bring the situation to a happy conclusion all around and so I leapt into action.
“I’ll be back in a minute son,” I said as I ran into the living room.
It took me about 5 minutes to get things ready. I emerged from the living room and tossed the remote at him. “Nick,” I said, “go in there, hit ‘play’ and watch for a minute or two.”
The screams and tears began about 30 seconds later…….
~ AP
...to be continued
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:14 AM | Comments (0)
May 20, 2005
Lady Marmalade works on Parliament Hill….
Ottawa, Ontario (AP) - A few weeks ago, John Reynolds, the Conservative House Leader in Parliament, took a bold step by using the “W” word. He was quoted as referring to Prime Minister Martin as a political whore. It was decidedly un-parliamentary language but as I decided at the time, highly accurate. I was wrong as I would later find out. Of course he was referring to the apparent alliance between the Liberals and the NDP at the federal level.
Naturally, political whoring or prostitution is expected to some degree. But for years, on a federal level at least, the NDP have been treated as the political equivalent of lepers. The ‘untouchables’ who must be allowed into the House and tolerated due to things like parliamentary procedures and the law. And yet, to save his tarnished ass and keep power, Paul Martin (excuse me while I gargle with Listerine when I speak his name) extended a hand to Jack Layton and his party, the NDP. Of course the NDP who have never had the opportunity to wield such power took the hand gratefully, but at a cost to the taxpayers of nearly $4.5 Billion dollars in budget concessions to the left. With 19 members in the house, that’s over $246,000,000 Million in ransom per sitting member of the NDP. Wow. We got screwed.
But as I watched the proceedings of the last week unfold, it occurred to me that Reynolds got it wrong, and in so doing may have misjudged the Liberal machine and cost us the opportunity for an election. Paul Martin is not a political whore. He’s the 'mack daddy' PIMP of Parliament Hill. That’s right. He’s the god damned pimp. His flashy new street walker is none other than Belinda Stronach herself, who has single handedly raised the bar of Canada’s of political prostitution. To Martin’s credit, he picked a good one. She’s young, attractive, immeasurably wealthy and available. Apparently to anyone willing to pay the right price. Unfortunately, that price will be paid by the taxpayer.
And if anyone doesn’t believe me, just take yesterday as an example.
Prior to the start of the day’s historic proceedings, Belinda or ‘Lady Marmalade’ as she is now being referred to, was seen strutting her stuff, idling walking back and forth across the steps of Parliament, Prada handbag hanging loosely from out stretched fingers, Gucci stilettos clicking on the marble steps and approaching members of parliament as they came to work. And when Joe Preston the Conservative member for Elgin-Middlesex-London came by, she was overheard saying,
“Hello, hey Joe, d’ya wanna give it a go?
C’mon and cross the floor with me, yeah.
I’ll get you a job in Cabinet, you’ll see yeah.
Just vote along with me and big “P” yeah.
And I’ll be your Lady Marmalade….
Voulez vous coucher avec Liberals ce soir?
Voulez vous coucher avec Paul?
Voulez vous coucher avec Liberals ce soir?
I’ll be your Lady Marmalade…..”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:21 AM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2005
BC-STV….I Feel Like Such An Idiot…..
The itching has finally gone away and I need to see my doctor.
I could tell by the look on her face that she was uncomfortable with me. Something about the way she pushed slightly away from the table as if clearing a lane to run if the strange man goes postal. When it came time to pass me my ballots she more or less tossed them at me instead if handing them over as she did for other people. Then she watched me walk away to vote. When I returned to hand in my ballots, a replacement was already sitting there watching me with nervous anticipation. I was offended, but safe, and they knew it. I beat the system.
I understood why they treated me like that, but as I walked out of the polling place, actively scratching at my groin, I thought, “Hey, for all they knew, I might have been sick. That wasn’t right.” My day got very busy and complicated soon thereafter and unfortunately I wasn’t able to remove the condom for several more hours. I was really regretting the five cups of coffee I drank earlier.
And why the discomfort? Simple really. You see, two days ago there was an election in British Columbia and there were two votes cast. One, to elect a government. The second, was to vote on whether we wanted an STV. A sexually transmittable vote. Well, I for one was having none of it. So I did the only thing I could think of to protect myself, and put on a condom before leaving to vote and go to work.
And that is why I need to see my Doctor. I need my hearing checked.
And some moisturizer.
The STV was not a sexually transferable vote. It stands, as I now know, for ‘Single Transferable Vote’ and was put forward by a citizen’s assembly as a recommended change to our electoral system. So as the citizenry voted for their elected representatives they also cast a vote in favor or against the change. As I allude above, I protected myself from the thing and put my X in the ‘No’ circle. And here’s why:
Let me preface by saying that there is no perfect political system. Some dictators who enjoy absolute power for life may disagree, but they help make my point.
I believe that the system we enjoy in British Columbia and Canada as a whole is pretty good the way it is. And though it may seem difficult to some, it’s really pretty simple. Here’s how it works:
1) You get a piece of paper that has several names on it. Usually three but sometimes four or five.
2) You make a mark, usually an ‘X’ by the name of the person you best feel will represent your interests.
3) You walk away hoping for the best (in your opinion) knowing you’ve fulfilled your civic duty and justified the deaths of those who fought for your right to do so. (You also have bitching rights when discussing politics)
4) The party that gets the most elected representatives forms the next government and taxes the living hell out of you.
The STV is somewhat different. But a recommendation by a collection of British Columbian air heads is not a complete surprise. It is not a common system but is used by some democratic power houses like Indonesia. Or that global leader Ireland. Yeah…I guess it may serve a purpose there, because it is so complicated, counting the votes will keep them busy for months at a time. And if you’re busy counting ballots or trying to figure out what they mean, then you’re probably not building bombs or shooting your neighbors for important reasons like wearing an orange scarf.
I have done my research and even though I don’t have the space and bandwidth to explain it all to you, if you click below to “Continue Reading” you will be able to read how counting the votes would work. You really owe it to yourself to do so. And remember, this is only the counting part and does not include how the final elected members of the house would try to choose who does what.
So back to my dilemma. See, originally when I heard about it, I figured that I would go with it. I would be prepared to do my part for the good of the land, and if it meant having to have sex with as many left leaning hotties as possible over the next four years in a effort to sexually transfer my vote and convert them to right wingers, then I was prepared to suck it up and do my part. For the good of the people of course. I would close my eyes and take no pleasure in the act.
But then it occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, they might transfer their vote to me instead. And I was having none of that. So come election day I was prepared, protected and voted no.
As it turned out, and much to my relief, the proposed change did not receive the required number of votes to pass. But a staggering 57 percent of the population was deluded and idealistic enough to vote in favor. Probably civil servants who would be paid to count the damn ballots ensuring employment for life.
Me, I look at it a different way. Politics, like religion, can be a very personal thing. And what is right to one person is not necessarily right to another. Therefore with over six billion possible ideal political concepts strutting about this spinning orb, I believe that keeping things functional, as fair as possible and as simple as possible is the best and only way to go. My theory is supported to some degree by the principle of Occam’s razor.
William Occam, a 14th century English theologian stated the principle. It argues that if there are two compelling theories, with all things being equal, (think: ‘we need to elect a government of the people’) the simpler one is more likely to be correct. Medical doctors rely on Occam’s razor when diagnosing a patient, as exemplified by how they are taught, “When you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras.” (Obviously this may not work so well in Africa and may well explain the high level of medical care provided in places like the Congo.) But you get the idea.
So there you have it. Me getting my hearing checked and you possibly feeling relieved that you are no longer in danger of getting a sexually transferable vote.
~ AP
Vote Counting using BC-STV
Introduction
These notes are intended to step through an example of the vote transfer process to be used by BC-STV. While the methods may seem complicated at first, they are more straightforward than most people’s income tax forms and only require basic arithmetic and fractions. Once the sense of how votes are transferred is understood the arithmetic required follows naturally. It is a lot like learning how to ride a bicycle – it is confusing at first, but once you figure it out, it is straightforward.
Background
BC-STV will group current single member ridings into larger multi-member ridings with between two and seven MLAs representing each riding. In dense urban areas the ridings will have more MLAs, while in more sparsely populated areas ridings will be physically larger but with fewer MLAs. We will still have 79 MLAs and the number of voters per MLA within each riding will remain the same.
The ballot will list candidates grouped by party. Both parties (and independents), and candidates within those parties will be randomly rotated so each party and/or candidate has an opportunity to appear in the ‘preferred’ locations on the ballot.
Instead of marking an “X”, the ballot is filled out by ranking candidates. The voter may rank only one candidate, a few or all of them. The benefit to the voter in ranking candidates is that their vote may be transferred to their next favourite candidate if their first choice is eliminated because that candidate receives the least number of votes or if that first choice is elected and there are still seats to fill.
A formula called the Droop Quota determines how many votes a candidate needs to be guaranteed election. Simply put, the Droop Quota looks at the number of eligible ballots cast in a riding and the number of seats to be filled to determine the minimum number of votes a candidate must receive to be elected. Candidates receiving more votes than the quota are elected and votes received in excess of the quota may be transferred to the voter’s next preference.
Different ways of approaching the vote transfers
There are two ways to think about the vote transfer process:
1) How individual ballots are transferred and contribute to electing winning candidates;
2) How the election officials count and transfer ‘parcels’ of ballots between candidates.
The “Loonie” Analogy
We can think of our vote as a ‘loonie’ and the ballot as a set of instructions to Elections BC about how we want our ‘loonie’ spent. If, for instance, our first choice is eliminated then we still have a full loonie left unspent. Elections BC will look at our ballot and transfer our loonie/vote to the next preference we have marked. If, on the other hand, our first preference wins but only needs ¾ of our vote (75¢), then we have ¼ or 25¢ left to ‘spend’. Again, Elections BC will look at our ballot and transfer that quarter to our next choice.
Ballots and Votes
The ballot refers to the piece of paper we mark to indicate our preferences while vote refers to the “current value” associated with that ballot as it is either kept by a winning candidate or transferred to another candidate still in the running.
Detailed worked example, taken from the Vancouver Sun
As an example let’s take the one presented twice in the Vancouver Sun, first on October 26, 2004 (page A17) and secondly on December 11, 2004 (page C3) and work through the calculations. Although a small sample it will provide a good sense of how the counting process works.
Step 1 – Calculating the Droop Quota
The first step is to determine the Droop Quota – the number of votes a candidate must receive to be certain to be elected. This is calculated as the total number of votes cast divided by one more than the number of seats to be filled, plus just one more vote. For this example, there were 100 voters and three seats to be filled so:
Droop’s Quota = .
So a candidate must receive 26 votes to win a seat in the example election.
Step 2 – The First Transfer
The table below shows the first preferences and the required calculations to make the first transfer. First, we note that Smith has enough votes and is therefore elected. But he has more votes than required. So we must look at his second preferences. These are listed in the second column.
Since Smith needs 26 votes but has received 45, he has a surplus of 19 votes that can be transferred to next preferences as expressed on the ballots he received. In other words he only needs to retain 26/45ths of each vote and can transfer the other 19/45ths to that voter's second choice. In order for the counting to be fair and reproducible, all of the ballots Smith received are transferred but at a reduced value of 19/45 = 0.42. The values of the transferred votes are shown in the third column. Remember each voter only gets one whole vote – so if your first choice was elected only the “surplus” portion of your vote can be transferred.
1) First Transfer
Candidate
First Preference Ballots Second Preferences of Smith’s Voters
Votes Transferred
( x 19/45†)
Vote Count at end of this step
Smith
45 -- -- 45 – 19 = 26
Jones 20 23 = 23 x 19/45 = 10 20 + 10 = 30
Chan 10 7 = 7 x 19/45 = 3 10 + 3 = 13
Gill 10 5 = 5 x 19/45 = 2 10 + 2 = 12
Wong 10 5 = 5 x 19/45 = 2 10 + 2 = 12
O’Reilly 5 5 = 5 x 19/45 = 2 5 + 2 = 7
Total 100 45 19 100
† This is the transfer value which is calculated as the number of extra votes divided by the total number of votes received.
Step 3 – The Second Transfer
Jones didn’t originally have enough votes to be elected, but the transfers received from Smith now means that he has the quota of votes and is elected. Like Smith, he has more votes than needed, so his extra or surplus votes must be transferred.
The transfers of the surplus votes that Jones received requires two separate calculations for the two groups or parcels of ballots he has received: i) the second preferences of those who gave him their first preference and ii) the third preferences of those who gave Smith their first preference and Jones their second preference. There are 20 ballots in the first group and 23 ballots in the second group. The number of ballots received from Smith were reduced by 19/45ths to determine the number of votes transferred. This count must now be reduced further by Jones’ transfer value. The ballot counts are shown in the table below.
2a) Second Transfer – tabulating second and third preferences of Jones’ voters
Candidate Votes after First Transfer i) Second Preferences of Jones’ Voters ii) Third Preferences on Ballots received from Smith
Smith 26 -- --
Jones
30 = 20 + 10 -- --
Chan 13 14 20
Gill 12 6 3
Wong 12 0 0
O’Reilly 7 0 0
Total 100 20 23
Jones needs 26/30ths of each vote he has received and so can transfer 4/30ths of each received vote. Jones’ transfer value is calculated as the number of surplus votes divided by the total votes received, namely, 4/30th of each vote. The calculations for these two separate groups or parcels of ballots is shown in the next table.
2b) Second Transfer – calculating the transferred votes from Jones’ voters
Candidate Votes after First Transfer Second Preferences of Jones’ voters
(x 4/30) Third Preferences on Ballots from Smith
(x 19/45 x 4/30)
Votes Transferred Vote Count at end of this step
Smith 26 -- -- -- 26
Jones 30 -- -- -- 30 – 4 = 26
Chan 13 14 x 4/30 + (20 x 19/45) x 4/30 = 3 13 + 3 = 16
Gill 12 6 x 4/30 + ( 3 x 19/45) x 4/30 = 1 12 + 1 = 13
Wong 12 0 x 4/30 + ( 0 x 19/45) x 4/30 = 0 12 + 0 = 12
O’Reilly 7 0 x 4/30 + ( 0 x 19/45) x 4/30 = 0 7 + 0 = 7
Total 100 4 100
Step 4 – The Third Transfer
Two of the three candidates have now been elected. But none of the remaining candidates has enough votes to be elected. Thus the candidate with the fewest votes must be eliminated . His votes are transferred at their current value without being reduced since they weren’t been used to elect him. In this case O’Reilly has the fewest votes. The second column below shows the second preferences of those who gave O’Reilly their first preferences while the third column shows the third preferences of those who voted for Smith first and O’Reilly second.
3) Third Transfer – Transferring the ballots of the least favoured candidate
Candidate Vote Count after Second Transfer Second Preferences of O’Reilly’s Voters (transferred at full value) Third Preferences of those who voted for Smith, then O’Reilly
Vote Count at end of this step
Smith
26 -- 26
Jones 26 -- 26
Chan
16 2 x 1 ( 5 x 19/45) x 1 = 2 16 + 2 + 2 = 20
Gill 13 1 x 1 0 13 + 1 + 0 = 14
Wong 12 2 x 1 0 12 + 2 + 0 = 14
O’Reilly 7 -- --
Total 100 5 2 100
Since none of the first preference votes that O’Reilly had received have been used to elect anyone, those votes are transferred at full value to their second preferences (transfer value = 1.0). The votes he received from Smith, at 19/45ths of full value are transferred at that same value to their next preferences. After this transfer none of the remaining candidates have enough votes to win. So we must repeat this process until another candidate is elected.
Step 5 – The Fourth Transfer
Now Gill and Wong have the same number of votes . When there is a tie that candidate with the fewer votes in the previous step is chosen for elimination. In this case, Wong had fewer votes in the previous transfer step, so he is eliminated next. The calculations are shown in the following table.
4) Fourth Transfer – Transferring the votes of the least favoured candidate
Candidate Vote Count after Third Transfer Next Preferences of Wong’s Voters (transferred at full value) Fourth Preferences of those who voted Smith/O’Reilly/Wong
Vote Count at end of this step
Smith
26 -- 26
Jones 26 -- 26
Chan 20 8 x 1 = 8 0 20 + 8 + 0 = 28
Gill 14 (2+1†) x 1 = 3 (5 x 19/45) x 1 = 2 14 + 3 + 2 = 19
Wong 14 -- -- --
O’Reilly 0 -- -- --
Exhausted votes 1 x 1 = 1 1
Total 100 12 2 100
† Two ballots are second preferences from Wong’s first preference ballots. One ballot is a third preference originally from O’Reilly. The other ballot from O’Reilly doesn’t have another preference indicated and is exhausted.
At this point we see that one of the ballots that Wong receives does not indicate a next preference so that ballot is ‘exhausted’ and cannot contribute to the election of any future candidates. Now, Chan has been elected because he has the most votes of the two candidates remaining.
General Notes
The last candidate elected often has less than the full quota but is clearly the last candidate left on the field since the other remaining candidate would be eliminated according to the rules. In that case, whether or not transferring the votes puts the last candidate over the quota is immaterial. For this particular example, Chan has more than the quota of votes.
As ballots are examined before a transfer any preferences for candidates who have either been elected or eliminated are skipped and the next preference is used. If a ballot has no more candidates ranked then that ballot is considered ‘exhausted’ and set aside. It is possible for a ballot to be exhausted at a fractional part of its full value if it has already contributed to electing one or more candidates.
Step 6 – Summary
The following table summarizes the steps we have followed to determine the three winning candidates.
Vote Transfer Summary
Candidate
First Preference Ballots Vote Count After:
Keep Value
Transfer Value
Order Elected
First Transfer Second Transfer Third Transfer Fourth Transfer
Smith 45 26 26 26 26 26/45 19/45 1
Jones 20 30 26 26 26 26/30 4/30 2
Chan 10 13 16 20 28 1 0 3
Gill 10 12 14 14 19 Not transferred
Wong 10 12 12 14 0 0 1
O’Reilly 5 7 7 0 0 0 1
Exhausted Votes 1
Total 100 100 100 100 100
Following individual ballot transfers
Can we follow what happens to our ballot? Can we tell where our vote went? Yes. All we have to do is remember how we voted and use the above summary table. Let’s look at a few examples summarized in the next table. Suppose that you had ranked three preferences: Smith, Jones and Gill (Ballot 3 below). As you will see below, your vote would have helped to elect two people.
Ballot 1 has Smith as first choice, Wong is the second choice, Gill is the third choice, and O’Reilly is the fourth choice. Smith was elected first and kept 26/45ths (0.58) of this ballot. A portion, 19/45ths (0.42) was transferred to Wong. Wong is eliminated in the fourth transfer and 19/45ths (0.42) of this ballot is then transferred to Gill. Since this is the last vote transfer this ballot does not make it to O’Reilly, who has, in any case, already been eliminated.
Ballot 2 has Jones, Gill and Chan. Jones is elected on the second round. He keeps 26/30ths (0.87) of this ballot and passes 4/30ths (0.13) on to Gill. Gill’s ballots are not transferred so Chan does not get this ballot.
Ballot 3 has Smith, Jones and Gill. Smith is elected in the first round and keeps 26/45ths (0.58) of this ballot. A portion, 19/45ths (0.42) is transferred to Jones who is elected next. Jones needs only 4/30th (0.13) of the 19/45ths (0.42) that he received. So 26/30ths of the 29/45ths is transferred. This means that 0.06 of this ballot is transferred to Gill who is not elected.
Example Ballot Order of Preference on Ballot
Portion of Ballot Used
1st 2nd 3rd 4th
1 Smith
(0.58) Wong
Gill
(0.42) O’Reilly
-- 0.58
2 Jones
(0.87) Gill
(0.13) Chan
-- 0.87
3 Smith
(0.58) Jones
(0.37) Gill
(0.06) 0.94
4 Jones
(0.87) Smith
Chan
(0.13) O’Reilly
-- 1.00
5 Smith
(0.58) O’Reilly
Jones
Wong
0.58
6 Wong
Chan
(1.0) Smith
-- Jones
-- 1.00
7 Gill
(1.00) Smith
-- Wong
-- 0.00
8 O’Reilly
Jones
Wong
0.00
Ballot 4 has Jones, Smith, Chan, and O’Reilly. Jones is elected in the second round and keeps 26/30ths (0.87) of this ballot. Thus there is 4/30ths (0.13) left to transfer. Since Smith has already been elected this ballot is transferred to Chan. Since Chan is eventually elected and is the last to do so, this ballot is not transferred to O’Reilly.
Ballot 5 has Smith, O’Reilly, Jones and Wong. Smith is elected in the first round keeping 26/45ths (0.58) of this vote. The remainder, 19/45ths (0.42) is transferred to O’Reilly. When O’Reilly is eliminated in the third round his portion of this ballot is transferred to Wong, skipping Jones who has already been elected. When Wong is eliminated this ballot is ‘exhausted’ since there are no other preferences listed.
Ballot 6 has Wong, Chan, Smith and Jones. When Wong is eliminated in the fourth round the full value of this ballot is transferred to Chan. Chan then receives enough votes to win but is the last winner. Thus this ballot is not transferred to Smith or Jones.
Ballot 7 has Gill, Smith and Wong. Gill is the last candidate eliminated and so this ballot is not transferred to Smith or Wong.
Ballot 8 has O’Reilly, Jones and Wong. When O’Reilly is eliminated in the third round this ballot is passed onto Wong since Jones has already been elected. When Wong is eliminated, there are no more preferences listed so this ballot becomes ‘exhausted’.
The table summarizing the ballot transfers also shows what portion of the vote was used in the election. Some votes contribute fully to electing one, two or three candidates (a ballot with Smith, Jones and Chan, in that order, would be fully used to elect all three). Others ballots are partially used electing one or two candidates. Only a few ballots don’t contribute to electing any candidates.
Reference:
If there is any conflict between this example and the Assembly’s final report, then the report should be considered correct. The section that specifically discusses the vote counting and transfer rules is on pages 17 to 20 of Making every vote count: the case for electoral reform in British Columbia: The British Columbia Citizens’ Assembly on Electoral Reform technical report. It is available online at http://www.citizensassembly.bc.ca/resources/TechReport.pdf. It may also be available from the Referendum Information Office (at http://www.gov.bc.ca/referendum_info/ , phone number 1-800-668-2800 or, in Vancouver, call 604-775-2800).
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:55 AM | Comments (0)
May 18, 2005
“The Day After….”
I woke up to strange sounds.
Living right on the water’s edge, I always wake up to some interesting background noise. Usually it is the gentle rolling of waves thirty feet or so from where I sleep. Sometimes it is the bickering cries of seagulls fighting over some newly discovered offering left high and dry by the receding tide. And on three occasions now, the cacophony of a group of sea otters tumbling around on the deck outside.
But this morning it was different. It started with a very odd gust of wind that seemed to go on forever. And then came deep, soft rumblings. Fair enough I thought. Perhaps that was thunder and there will be rain. But then there came the sound of slapping and what I can only describe as God’s zipper being drawn.
And then I sat up in bed, disturbed and alarmed at what I had heard. For now I understood. The province of British Columbia was feeling “the Fear.”
What I woke up to this morning was a collective sigh of despair and the slamming shut of corporate checkbooks and the packing of emergency bags for a trip back to Alberta. The Socialists were back with a vengeance and the only thing that prevented them from taking over with a majority government was the Green Party. (Who ever said environmentalists weren’t good for anything.)
The exodus hasn’t begun yet. That will happen 1,461 days from now when the red horde regains control of the provincial legislature. And they will. We all know it now. And on that day we will regress again to a place where hard work and free enterprise are punished in favor of bloated public sector contracts, teacher’s strikes and higher taxes to support the re-emergence of a welfare state.
From this moment on, the sector that creates the most jobs and community wealth, the private businesses, will live in fear of tomorrow. Investment in those businesses will be tempered now with hedge funds and escape plans. Sure there is still hope. But there lies the rub.
You see, for the economic turn around in British Columbia to continue, there must be a continued stream of investment and faith that an environment friendly to that faith will continue, so that four years from now the government can say, “See. We told you so.”
That is their only hope. But now, the investment is a gamble. We all know that without it, the economy will slow. Without it, the demise of the economy will become a self fulfilling prophecy. But with more, then there is more on the table. More at risk.
I liken it to blackjack. Four years ago we all got dealt two face cards and the dealer bust. We all won. Today, we were dealt a pair of 8’s and the dealer is showing a 5. Do we split or double down? Or do we hold static and gently pull back a few chips, quietly covering them with our free hand and hiding them from the house?
I will always hope for the best but fear the worst. It’s kept me going this far.
“Two thousand zero, zero, nine, party over, ooops, out of time….”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:04 AM | Comments (0)
May 17, 2005
Election Day in British Columbia
Vancouver Island (AP) - May 17, 2005.
Its election day here in British Columbia. Always a good day for a party or a wake. But this time it seems pretty easy. To me at least.
One the one hand, lets say, the right one, there is a sitting government that changed the province from a status of beggars on the national scale to the best damn economy in the country. And no, it wasn’t because of commodities either. It was because the opportunities for people to make their life better were suddenly there again. I have more money in my pocket to spend the way I need to, instead of having it stripped away to support bad social spending and overpaid snivel servants.
One the other hand, let’s call it the left hand, you have a whiney harpy who has no answers, only accusations of broken promises, promises that couldn’t be completed because of the mess left behind. There is no plan here, just promises to increase funding through self destructive social programs and acquiescence to big labor that will take that money right back out of my pocket.
Hmmmmm……tough choice? Not really.
Political dogma based on a failed social principle or continue with a known quantity that has improved things in British Columbia in a most dramatic fashion. Well, I know what I’m going to do, which way I’m going to vote. Something you should be doing too.
So quit sitting there reading this stuff and GO VOTE!!
And remember, if your vote isn’t right, it’s wrong.
My opinion anyway.
I respect your choice whatever it is, so long as you actually make one.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:10 AM | Comments (0)
May 16, 2005
The Silver Medal Makes me Proud To Be Canadian
Vienna, Austria (AP) - Canada’s national hockey squad strove for mediocrity in yesterday’s final game of the World Hockey Championship, and they succeeded, getting beaten 3 – 0 by the Czech nationals in the process.
Not to take anything away from the Czech players. They didn’t get to the final game by sitting around filling their bellies with Pilsner and bratwurst. They played fine hockey. But the Canadian team only managed to show up and get through the 60 minutes of hockey without completely embarrassing themselves.
So why am I proud of the Silver medal? Simple. It reminds me that Canada is the only country in the world, and I say it again, the only country in the world that can actually go into these tournaments expecting to win. We are the only group that can be justifiably disappointed with a Silver medal. Let’s face it, there would be a rally in Nuremburg right now if the Germans had managed a Silver. I guarantee you, anybody else would be ecstatic with a Silver medal. But Canada….no. Our hockey fans will stand around with their heads down, hands in their pockets, toes idly squishing invisible spiders while trying to figure it all out. But there will be no answers. Especially not this year with the NHL gone for the season.
Sure it’s only the Silver medal, no doubt destined to become paperweights or coasters to the team members who no longer have room in their medal cabinets because of all the gold already there. And that’s why the Silver makes me proud. We may not be the best at everything, but at hockey, we’re that fucking good.
~ AP
**** Also Posted on paralaxe.com ****
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:24 PM | Comments (0)
May 15, 2005
Rodent Porn Music Revisited
This is a muskrat. Look very closely at it. I took the picture of the beast on a recent trip to Winnipeg. It’s about two feet long and ugly as, well, a giant god damned river rat. Fortunately it’s dead and stuffed and in a museum setting in Fort Whyte Center.
And why am I telling you this? Simple. The ‘Captain & Tennille’ have just released a greatest hits album, and their 1976 hit song about two of these huge rodents having sex is on it. Hot rodent porn it was. The song is called Muskrat Love. And it is disturbing to think about all the people howling away while driving to work, or sitting in the office, singing the song while not quite thinking about what the hell they were or are singing about. That is why I am telling you this.
Think about it. Does the image of two of these things humping away and squirting ‘whatever’ anywhere near you really make you smile? Because if it does, I want you far, far away from me. Still, it never stopped people from singing.
The point I’m trying to make is that it is but one example of people doing things without thinking. Songs have a sneaky way of doing that. I remember my mom yowling away to Maxwell’s Silver Hammer by the ‘Beatles’ when it was on. Then one day on the way to school she must have listened to herself and that was the last time we heard that tune.
“Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver hammer came down, upon her head. Da do da do do…Bang, bang Maxwell’s silver hammer made sure that she was dead.”
Yeah. On the radio. A mass murderer who’s modus operandi was blunt force trauma to the head with a heavy, silver hammer. That must have been messy. (All those CSI shows come in handy now don’t they?) And that was back in the sixties. To this day though, try and get airplay for a song about getting head and you get shut down and fined. But I digress….
I guess it’s a fool’s wish that people will consider their actions before doing them. Think about what they say before saying it. Or actually pay attention to what they listen to or who’s listening to it. I know I always do.
But I have to go now. I have to find a ‘Lord’s of Acid’ album for a friend. It’s the one with that really cool song about the girl who hates her boyfriend’s inflatable sex doll so she stabs it with a needle and makes it go ‘pop’. Now that’s good music.
~ AP
Muskrat Love Lyrics
Muskrat, muskrat candlelight
Doin’ the town and doin’ it right
In the evenin’
It’s pretty pleasin’
Muskrat susie, muskrat sam
Do the jitterbug out in muskrat land
And they shimmy
And sammy’s so skinny
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin’ and jingin’ the jango
Floatin’ like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love
Nibbling on bacon, chewin’ on cheese
Sammy says to susie honey, would you please be my missus?
And she say yes
With her kisses
And now he’s ticklin’ her fancy
Rubbin’ her toes
Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes
As they wriggle, and sue starts to giggle
And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed
Singin’ and jingin’ the jango
Floatin’ like the heavens above
It looks like muskrat love
La da da da da ...
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:59 PM | Comments (0)
Room For Improvement in Surrey
Surrey, British Columbia (AP) - Headlines in the ‘Vancouver Province’ today outline a major social problem in the lower mainland area of greater Vancouver, highlighted by the recent shooting of an Indo-Canadian man who, “Died in a hail of bullets.”
“The death of the man brings to 86 the number of Indo-Canadians killed in last 12 years of violence.”
Shock and outrage have gripped the lower mainland as the community comes to terms with the problem. When interviewed about the latest act of violence, Surrey’s Mayor said, “I can speak for the entire council when I say that we are deeply concerned about the situation. Improvements simply have to be made.”
When questioned further he explained, “Things just aren’t going the way they should on the streets. You would think that after 12 years there would be way more than 86 dead Indo-Canadian gang members. These morons can’t shoot straight enough to do a good job on each other. How many times have you heard news reports about ‘shots fired’ without a follow up story on how many bodies were found? I think the RCMP should give them shooting lessons and safe firearm handling instruction to prevent innocent bystanders from being hit by stray gunfire. Of course, finding an 'innocent' bystander in Surrey is getting harder and harder with each passing day.”
RCMP spokesperson Cpl. Yvette Tremblay told a news conference that the recent murder was related to ‘drug or gang activity.’ When asked about the possibility of training the gang members to do a better job of shooting each other her reply was quick, “That’s an absurd idea. Train these people to be more dangerous than they are? It would turn into a bloodbath with shootings every night till there’s only one or two left!! Then they would probably move into the Burnaby area and start it up with those Vietnamese gang members who love nothing better than to empty the clips of their machine guns into whatever restaurant is convenient at the time. Is that what we want? Dead drug dealers all over town?.......wait a minute…..I have to go now.”
Cpl. Tremblay was last seen leaving the news conference and saying something about ‘great ideas’ while talking on her police radio.
Local shopkeeper, Mahmood Aboor expressed confusion about the problem in Surrey.
“They insist on wearing those Kirpan daggers everywhere as a symbol of who they are. Even to school. Don’t they realize that those daggers are for stabbing each other? Why don’t they just do that more often and save the cost of bullets?”
Surrey Public Works employee, Danny Zimmerman had a different view.
“Me, I’m just grateful whenever they pump a few bullets into each other. My job is ‘special clean ups’ and that includes these crime scenes. There’s a lot of glass and metal fragments everywhere. Not to mention the blood that has to be cleaned up. You get to one of those scenes and you immediately know it’s a bad one because people are slipping and sliding all over the place. It creates a terrible traffic hazard for other drivers. But I don’t mind. They usually happen late at night and that’s straight overtime for me. A good shooting can mean a weekend in Vegas if it’s messy enough.”
After speaking with numerous citizens in the lower mainland there appears to be a general consensus. Pretty much everybody is hoping that Danny Zimmerman can go to Vegas for a month. As they all put it, “The sooner the better.”
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)
May 13, 2005
Only You Can Prevent Socialism
Don’t let this happen to you.
Once believed to have been eliminated like polio, this tragic condition is making a now cyclical return to our society. Though it had reached a state of near pandemic status in the middle of the last century, this societal disease still flares up on occasion in a way not dissimilar to herpes.
Usually manifesting itself around teacher’s lounges in the public school system, it is also common in government offices, trade union buildings, post offices, factories and universities to name a few. The most virulent outbreaks exist in British coal mines and pretty much anywhere there are large congregations of Frenchmen upset with the price of cheese. Or petrol. Or bread. Or anything else that will give them a reason to clog the highways of France like arteries after too much Fois Gras on buttered toast.
The disease is firmly rooted in the social deception of altruism and therefore can be difficult to cure, but not impossible. Common methods of treatment include factory closures, real life experience instead of academic idealism, cutting off the welfare checks and making them work for a living.
Though officially known as ‘Socialism’ it was most commonly referred to as ‘Communism’ in its early years. In an effort to hide or blur the links to an often bloody and inherently inhuman history, modern socialist political parties often use other names such as the NDP (New Democratic Party) in Canada and its provinces or the Labor Party in England.
Lighter manifestations of the syndrome exist as the 'Pinko Commie Bastards' in the United States and the 'DVU' or German People's Union in Germany. Globally, there are too many to mention in this brief space, though with a little research and a strong stomach, you can find them out for yourself.
Much as you would educate your children against other social diseases like herpes, AID’s, syphilis and gonorrhea, it is important to warn your children about the dangers of falling into the sometimes tempting trap of socialism. Sure, collecting a check and never having to work may seem like a great idea at the time, but if everybody did that, then who would cover the checks?
So remember, only you can prevent socialism. Don’t go through the rest of YOUR life with your head up your ass.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 01:17 PM | Comments (2)
May 07, 2005
The Bar Life...
One of my bartenders, ‘M’, served a regular customer of ours a glass of orange juice. The man, a local farmer sitting next to her, turned to her and said," This is a special day; I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child, she answered. Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. “As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for months now, all of my hens were infertile. BUT today they're finally fertile.
"How did it happen?" asked the woman.
"I switched cocks." said the man.
"What a coincidence," she replied.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 04:42 PM | Comments (1)
May 05, 2005
Greeks Demand Justice
Athens (AP) – With the success of the recent Olympics behind them, Greek Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis has petitioned the makers of Trojan brand condoms to change the name to something more ‘Greek.’
“After three thousand years the Greek people have had enough of this outrage. We came up with the horse. We won the war. We licked, I mean, kicked Trojan ass. But who gets their name on the condoms? Troy. It’s a travesty.”
Nick Popalotonlips, spokesman for the Greek American Society in Boston which is leading the movement in the United States added, “How well did Hector protect Troy? Really? How well? And what about that long, smooth coastal plain that the Greek soldiers went back and forth and back and forth on? How well did that protect Troy? Huh? How well did the walls protect them when we just slipped inside after getting them to open wide and let us in? The gates I mean. How well? What I’m getting at, is that when you think of Troy, the idea of protection doesn’t exactly come to mind now does it?”
But the makers of Trojan condoms http://www.trojancondoms.com/ have no intention of changing the name, as explained by Constantine Opall, President of the company.
“I think the Greeks are way off on this one. Sure they won the war. But they did so because their horse ‘leaked’ soldiers into the very womb of the city. Now if that’s not bad association for a condom, I don’t know what is.”
He went on to add, “Let’s face it, it’s about marketing. Grabbing a Trojan or two to get you through the night, um, four in my case if any ladies are reading this, just sounds better. Grabbing a Greek so you don’t get pregnant has imagery I’m just not comfortable with. Is a real ‘man’ going to grab a box of Athenians? I doubt it. And what about telling your lady friend that you’re ready for her now that you’re penis is covered with a Heliopolis? The idea is to keep her around, not scare her off.
“I think the whole thing got blown out of proportion when Costas saw Brad Pitt playing Achilles in the movie Troy. Let’s face it, he’s Greek.”
Since Troy was located in what is now modern day Turkey, the office of the Turkish President, Ahmet Necdet Sezersaid was contacted for his view. The president’s advisors declined comment, saying only that he had a prior commitment that involved an amphora of olive oil and a boy’s prison.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 08:11 AM | Comments (0)
May 02, 2005
I love Hummers....
I love riding down the highway, the envy of those around me. Knowing that no matter what sort of vehicle they’re driving, be it a Corvette or a Mercedes or a Lexus or even a big ass Lincoln Navigator, that they all wish they were in my place. Yep, I love casually looking over at them in that looking without looking kind of sidelong glace kind of way that I do so well and giving them a small half grin as they realize that I know how they feel about me.
And the vehicles are kinda good too. Maybe I’ll buy one some day.
~ AP
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at 02:35 PM | Comments (0)