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May 21, 2005
Dad, should I dump my girlfriend for using my razor? (Part 1)
It was a Monday night and my son dropped in unexpectedly around dinner time. He seemed kinda down, so I tossed an extra steak on for him and figured we’d talk later. The football game was on after all, so halftime seemed as good a time as any to deal with his problems.
The Raiders were getting soundly thrashed, an unfortunate circumstance of late, and when the halftime gun sounded they were down 24 = 10 to the god damned Jet’s. Life sucked so I figured this was as good a time as any to talk with the boy.
“Hey Nick, why so glum?”
“It’s me and Julie dad, we’re having some problems.”
At 19, Julie was one year his junior. She looked like a cross between Britney Spears and Christina Aguillera, with a little Jessica Alba and Gwen Steffani thrown in for added effect. In other words, Nick was one lucky little son of a bitch (no offense to his mother). They had been going out for about a year now and I was curious and eager to help. And besides that, she was smart as a whip, good at video games and they got along great.
“Don’t mean to pry Nick, but what sort of problems do you mean?”
“I don’t know if I can talk about it dad,” was his reply.
“Dude,” I said, “I’ve been around a little longer than you have and chances are I’ve seen it, done it or dealt with it before. She seems like a nice girl and if taking the time to discuss it with your old man is all it takes to fix things, well, it’s probably worth it.”
“Dad, it’s like, really weird y’know. I ask her not to do some things, and she goes right ahead and does them anyway. It’s like she has no respect for me or something.”
“Ok. You’ve like, totally told me nothing. I need a little more to go on.” I was trying to sound cool.
“Dad, she, um, uses my razor even though I ask her not to, ok.”
Man, it sucked to hear that. He was onto something important and he needed some reassurance.
“Aww Nick, I know how it can be when they shave their legs and then you go to use the same razor on your face. It can be like ripping your hairs out one by one. I’m sorry to heat that. You really have to find a way to let her know how important this is.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not just her legs dad.”
“Oh buddy, those armpits can be so gross. She’s just going to have to stop.”
He hesitated for a second and went on, “It’s not just her armpits either.”
Ok. So maybe I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but the light finally turned on and I understood what he was getting at. My son had a problem indeed. But it wasn’t with his girlfriend. I knew that immediate and drastic action was needed to help bring the situation to a happy conclusion all around and so I leapt into action.
“I’ll be back in a minute son,” I said as I ran into the living room.
It took me about 5 minutes to get things ready. I emerged from the living room and tossed the remote at him. “Nick,” I said, “go in there, hit ‘play’ and watch for a minute or two.”
The screams and tears began about 30 seconds later…….
~ AP
...to be continued
Posted by Anonymous Pundit at May 21, 2005 08:14 AM